Quotes and Thoughts

A Promise For Thursday

2010-04-29T06:54:00.003-04:00

As I pulled my sleepy self from my comfy bed this morning one of the first sights that met my eyes was the pile of unfolded laundry towering in my room and the overflowing dirty clothes hamper in the hallway. Ugh! This laundry is really getting me down. So I searched my sleep drugged brain for a verse, any verse, to encourage me and give me a reason to hope that I could survive the day. And, of course, God gave me one:

"...but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31

You mean I can have that super human strength today? That marathon runner-like endurance is for me? And those majestic, soaring eagle's wings can be used to fold jeans, socks and underwear? And all I gotta do is sit back and let God do His thing with me and my day?

Cool.

A Softer Place To Land

2010-04-21T14:29:00.002-04:00

This song touches my spirit whenever I hear it and it so accurately describes Joshua. My Joshua has been the greatest friend to me that I ever could have wished for so to simply say that he's always "there for me" just doesn't cut it. I'm a mess and I know it, but my Joshua is ever patient with me and he lovingly and unfalteringly guides me along life's crooked paths. I fall so often, but he always offers me a softer place to land.
I love you, my darling.

"Push" by Sarah McLachlan

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle, but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I can't decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day

Plodding Along

2010-04-15T08:11:00.001-04:00

It’s been tough lately getting up in the morning and starting each day. It feels like I do the same thing day after day after day after day… I’m not depressed or even horribly discouraged, I’m just tired. It’s been a busy week and I feel like I’m running like mad always a mile behind where I should be. The laundry is piling up even though I just folded several baskets worth of the stuff yesterday. I cleaned the house and now it’s dirty again.

I really didn’t want to write a whiny blog post, but I did feel like just saying how I’m feeling. I’m not going to wallow about in self pity. Instead, I’m getting revved up to get right back into it. My orders are to fight and that’s just what I’m going to do today. And thanks to my dad’s very encouraging tweets this morning, I’m feeling like I can keep going now. God is moving in this family and He’s using my weak, tired hands to do His work.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 2 Cor. 4:7

Memories, Laughter and What's To Come

2010-04-14T11:01:00.001-04:00

One of the sillier memories that I have of my mom is when she first made her “stern” face. One night, during family devotions, one of us kids was acting up and so Mom, wanting to quietly deal with the disruptive kid so as to not interrupt my dad reading the Bible, gave the child a Look. She had meant for it to be a serious, sobering expression which would immediately render said child remorseful and quiet, but instead it came out as a goofy, rather ridiculous look which caused everyone who witnessed it to burst out laughing. Of course, we then had to ask Mom to repeat the face for those who didn’t get the first showing and pretty soon everyone (including Mom) was laughing like crazy. For years after this we’d still try to imitate that expression whenever we felt a laugh was needed.

So yesterday I was driving along I-90 when that memory popped into my head. I smiled to myself as I remembered the fun of that moment and at the same time my heart ached because that was all in the past. But then I remembered that I’m going to see my mom again and my whole family will get to sit around one table and we will get to laugh together again. “Yes,” I thought, “heaven is going to be so good.”

And then, like a flash, in my mind’s eye I saw another person sitting at the table with us- Jesus. He was laughing just as hard as we were and I think I even saw Him wipe away some tears, He was laughing so hard.

Yeah, it’ll be great to be reunited as a family again, never to be separated, but even more than that I’m looking forward to hanging out with Jesus and getting to laugh riotously with my savior.

Oh, it’s going to be so good. And if this reality is in my future, well, I guess I can hang in there for a bit longer.

A Quarter of a Century- Plus One

2010-03-22T08:38:00.000-04:00

Each year as my birthday rolls around, I like to contemplate where I am in life and some of what’s happened in the past year. I feel like this birthday marks an emerging of sorts out of a dark, brutal year into a year of hope and discovery. As I struggled with postpartum depression I felt like I was simply unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel, but even though I couldn’t see it and simply didn’t even believe it existed, God still brought me through and now there are many days where I’m fairly dazzled by the brightness surrounding me.

This last year I’ve learned so much. I learned that life is hard and that’s normal for this world. I learned that it’s okay to feel like crap and I don’t have to try to make myself feel or seem happy. I learned that when I let people in and share my struggles and weaknesses with them that some of them will let me down and leave me worse than when I started. But I learned that some few precious people will sink down into the muck with me and pull me back out. I learned a bit more what it means that God is my dad. I learned that I can talk to Him about anything- He already knows it all anyway. I learned more about myself and how sinful I am, but I also got to see growth and good things happening in me. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it was a good year.

Thank you, God, for walking with me this year and holding my frail little hand in your big, strong hand. Every time I tripped, You caught me and every time I managed to run, You cheered the loudest and ran with me. I love You, Daddy.

The Regulative Principle of Worship and How My Floors Got Muddy

2010-03-17T15:42:00.002-04:00

There is a school of thought that says that God has given us strict and detailed instructions on how we are to worship Him and any deviation from these instructions or any addition to them is wrong. This topic comes up with some frequency in our household. Well, an interesting example of this occurred yesterday.

I had been cleaning all morning trying to get the house in some kind of order for the Bible study I was hosting that afternoon. After lunch I sent the kids outside to play. A few minutes later Evangeline excitedly ran inside with a little flower for me and Malachi quickly followed her with a bouquet of his own. But before I even looked at the flowers I noticed the trail of muddy footprints that followed my children across the freshly mopped floors. I’ve told them before to not come in the house with their boots on. At that moment I didn’t want their extra offerings- the flowers they picked for me- all I wanted was their obedience. They would have shown their love for me so much more if they had not picked the flowers, but rather obeyed me and not caused extra work for me. So the thought that God is picky about how we worship started to make sense. All the extra ways of worship aren’t actually pleasing to Him if they aren’t what He wants.

But if we stop there then aren’t we just right back to a gospel of works?

After I scolded the children and they showed remorse for disobeying me, I then turned my attention to the beautiful flower offerings. I gushed about how beautiful they were and I added them to my flower vase over the sink. I kissed my babies on their heads and thanked them for bringing me something so beautiful. No, they didn’t get it right. Yes, I still had a mess to clean up. But I know they were trying to please me and show me how they think I’m a special person. If I can forgive my children’s mistakes and accept their imperfect offerings then surely God can do even better. He demands holiness, but this little thing called Grace comes into play more than we realize. God’s favor toward us can overlook millions upon millions of stupid things we do. He still kisses us on our heads and He knows that we think He’s pretty special. And someday we’ll be able to show Him true, perfect worship when all our sin is stripped away. Oh, what a happy day that will be!

Why I Hate Doing the Thing I Love

2010-03-13T19:33:00.002-05:00

I've got a love/hate relationship going on with homeschooling. Yeah, I know it's the right thing to do, but sometimes I feel like I can't take the stress anymore. And I'm not talking about the daily stress of trying to get everything done around the house, take care of a baby and a toddler and teach two school-aged kids. I'm talking about the stress of comparing myself to other homeschoolers and feeling like I'm continually coming up short. It's like everyone else is in the know and I'm the only one who can't seem to figure this thing out. I know that's not true, but I still feel it. I hate wondering if my kids are behind because I'm not teaching them well enough or maybe they're just not as smart as the other kids. And I'd hate, hate, hate for my beautiful kids to ever feel that I think they're not smart enough. Because I know that my children are learning and their little souls are being feed and nurtured.

I know that Jesus has equipped me with everything I need to be a good teacher and mommy to these kids. But still I feel like a failure. I guess this is where the whole grace thing comes in. Even if/when I make mistakes, God's got me covered. He's not going to let my kids fall by the wayside because I'm not a perfect teacher. If He wants them to grow up to be well-learned, faithful disciples then He's going to make that happen- even if all He has to work with is little old me.

I can't fail. Even if all I can manage is a feeble attempt then God is going to take that and run with it. If He can create an entire human race from a pile of dirt, surely He can use me to mold my children into something beautiful.

Happy Birthday, Mom

2010-03-09T07:12:00.001-05:00

My mom taught me many crucial life lessons in her tenure as my teacher, but I think the one that has shaped my adult life the most is her teaching me to not be a wimp. She told me that sometimes the only way to get rid of pain is to go through it and get it over with. This maxim helped me through the births of my kids, but also through much of life’s everyday struggles. I can still hear Mom saying, “Your mama didn’t raise no wimp.” And that’s what I keep telling myself.

So today, on the anniversary of the day of her birth, my thoughts are turned toward my mom, my teacher, my friend. I’m not one to idolize the dead and elevate them higher than is right, but I do think it’s right to give credit where credit is due. My mom shaped me into the woman I grew up to be. She taught me every day as she lived out her life what it means to be a godly woman. She showed me how to be a loving mommy, how to sacrifice for the good of others, how to keep going when it seems like all strength is gone. She taught me to not run away from pain, but to bravely walk straight through it, knowing the whole time that God has got me by the hand and that just on the other side of this pain is peace and joy.

My mom wasn’t perfect. She was a sinner just like I am. But she was the perfect teacher for me and God made sure she taught me everything she was supposed to before He took her home. Now every day I live out her wisdom. There is pain now in this broken world, but I’m not going to run from it. Life is hard, but the only way to get rid of the pain is to walk boldly through it. My mom walked through it and she made it to the other side where there is peace and joy forevermore. My mamma wasn’t no wimp. And, by the grace of God, I’m going to be just like her.

My Calling

2010-02-04T15:31:00.002-05:00

Lately I’ve been feeling discouraged. I feel like the work I do day after day is endless, thankless and just plain yucky. Some days I feel like I can’t possibly wipe one more poopy bum or deal with one more temper tantrum. I feel like a stable boy whose most important task is to shovel manure- every single day. Now, I know how important it is to have that manure shoveled and I know that if there wasn’t anyone willing to shovel it, then the whole farm would feel (and smell) the effects of that neglect. But that doesn’t make shoveling the manure any easier or any more fulfilling.

So here I am, shoveling away. Most of the time no one even notices that I’m the one clearing out all that yuck. And even if someone does notice they usual don’t bother to thank me. I’m just doing my job, after all. I know this is my part of the Kingdom work. I know that I’m down here in the muck and goo because this is where Jesus wants me to be. I know that the reason I’m lonely here is because there aren’t many others who are willing to be down here, too. And so I’m shoveling manure to the glory of God. There won’t be any glorious mountaintop moments here in the sewage- no, we don’t get any of those down here. I won’t ever be pretty and clean like the other women I see and even if, for a brief moment, I do manage to make myself presentable I’ll only slip and fall in a fresh pile of dung and be right back where I started- right back where I belong.

Yes, I am feeling pretty low right now. No, I don’t always feel like this. But right now I can’t seem to see past my own filthy nose. And yet, there is a tiny voice I still hear- a voice that’s telling me to hang in there and keep on shoveling because Jesus sees it all. He notices the work I do and He sees my face beneath the perpetual layer of grime. And He’s the one standing right next me, knee deep in it all, with a shovel in His hand, too. And I know that someday- maybe years from now, maybe minutes- He will pick me up, straighten out my aching back and gently wipe away all the dung, filth and tears from my face. And then I will hear the words that will make it all worthwhile, “Well done. You did all this for Me and I saw it all- every gross job you did and every hopeless day you faced. You’ve done it all and there’s no more dirty work for you to do. Come now and rest with Me. I’m so proud of you, my beautiful girl.”

Yes, that’s the thought that keeps me plodding along. So now I must pick up my shovel and roll up my sleeves. I’ve got work to do.

Wishful Thinking

2009-08-30T13:13:00.002-04:00

Today was a pretty typical Sunday morning- cranky kids, cranky mamma and lots of hurrying around trying to get ready to go to church. It was also a rather gray, rainy morning so that added to my general feeling of blah. We got to church just fine and as I was saying good morning to a few people my mom wandered up and stole Zoe from me (hey, Grandma’s rights, you know?) I asked how she was doing today and she told me she hadn’t slept well last night because of back pain so she was a little out of it today. I told her how I was feeling down because of the weather and my crazy hormones. Then she suggested we come over for dinner tonight. Free food? We’ll be there!

After church we went home and the kids had their naps (I got one, too!) Then we loaded back up and headed out to Grandma and Grandpa B’s house. I’m not sure what it is about grandparents, but no matter how often my kids see them, they are still incredibly excited to see them again. We got to my parents’ house and of course, Malachi was the one to make the night interesting by slipping and falling in the mud as soon as we stepped out of the van. Boys will be boys, I guess. Mom grabbed a motley assortment of clothes for Malachi from the stash that she keeps around the house in preparation for such occurrences (she does have a lot of grandkids so she knows how to be prepared!)

Most of my siblings arrived a little later on and the adult to child ratio was quickly turning in the kids’ favor. We sat down to eat dinner which was the usual Sunday feast of the Ben-Ezras: pancakes! Mom brought the electric griddle out and cooked the pancakes right at the table like she has for as long as I can remember. Conversation ranged from politics (Seth did most of the talking here) to the sermon Dad preached this morning to latest movies we’ve all watched. Jonathan and Gabrielle managed to keep us all laughing like crazy throughout the meal. Evangeline got more syrup in her hair than on her pancakes and Lily spilled her milk all over Dad’s lap, but we’re all more or less used to those sorts of things.

Elizabeth and I helped Mom wash dishes and then we Gardners started gathering kids and getting ready to head back home. We gave hugs all around. Mom gave Joshua an extra hug and I heard her tell him that she knows it’s not easy living with an emotional woman, but he’s doing a good job. We got back home and put our tired kids to bed. The day had started out pretty rough, but somehow amidst the chaos of Sunday pancakes I forgot to feel sad and down. It’s times like this that I’m so grateful to live near my family. Where would I be without them?

A Little Fishing Humor

2009-05-27T13:07:00.001-04:00

The Gardner School Program- Part 3

2009-05-23T18:55:00.003-04:00

Lily and Malachi recited Psalm 1 together. I'm just so impressed with my kids!

The Gardner School Program- Part 2

2009-05-23T18:36:00.003-04:00

Lily sang "I've Got The Joy" and Malachi sang the chorus of "Bears." Talk about cute!

The Gardner School Program

2009-05-23T16:45:00.003-04:00

We had the first ever Annual Gardner School End Of The Year Program today. The kids got to showcase their cuteness as well as some things they learned during this school year. It may take me awhile to get all the videos up here, but here are a few to start with. Lily and Malachi each did a dance and they are extremely cute (if I do say so myself.)

When Evangeline Gets Into Makeup

2009-05-18T16:02:00.000-04:00

Lord's Day Quote

2009-05-10T13:39:00.000-04:00

Are you afraid His power shall fail
When comes your evil day?
And can an all creating arm
Grow weary or decay?

Supreme in wisdom as in power
The Rock of Ages stands,
Though Him you cannot see, nor trace
The working of His hands.

He gives the conquest to the weak,
Supports the fainting heart;
And courage in the evil hour
His heavenly aids impart.

---Isaac Watts

Happy Birthday, Lily!

2009-04-23T14:03:00.003-04:00

Today my firstborn turns six years old. It's amazing that it's been six years since that horrible labor and delivery. It's even more incredible that that tiny baby has turned into a beautiful, loving, nurturing, smart and creative little girl.

I am so proud of Lily. She naturally cares for her younger siblings and she's always helping me in various ways. She will come to me, of her own accord, and ask, "Mommy, how can I help you?" I'll give her a task and when she's done she'll come back and say, "How else can I help you?" And she's so good with little Zoe. She'll hold her baby sister and burp her and bounce her to calm her down. Sometimes I have to fight her for my turn to hold Zoe! I don't know what I'd do without her.

And then there's her brains- she's a smart cookie! Not only is she learning to read and write creatively, but she can also do basic addition, subtraction and multiplication- in her head! She certainly didn't get those math skills from me! She continues to impress me with how quickly she learns new things.

She's a good reminder to me of God's grace. Joshua and I are very imperfect parents. We get angry and impatient and lazy and yet we have a lovely, obedient girl as our daughter. If that's not grace, then I don't know what is.

Happy birthday, sweet Lily. May the beauty of God's face continue to shine through you.

Boy, Oh, Boy!

2009-04-09T16:14:00.000-04:00

This little dude is 100% BOY! I told him to not jump in the mud puddles today (I was getting tired of the extra laundry, baths, etc.) so he obeyed. Instead, he thought it'd be a good idea to scoop up handfuls of mud and put it in a bucket. *sigh* I guess he can't help it- he's a boy and boys must get muddy.

My New Favorite

2009-04-02T23:00:00.002-04:00

I think Alli Rogers is my new favorite artist. She has such poetry in her lyrics. Unfortunately, I could only find two of her songs on YouTube, but here they are:

Who Is This God?

Eden (I like the acoustic version of this song better.)

Pretty, isn't it?

Malachi Moments

2009-03-30T22:45:00.000-04:00

I’m extremely proud of all my kids, but lately there have been some very special “Malachi Moments” and I wanted to share them.

We were in the hospital the day after Zoe was born and the three older kids were meeting their baby sister for the first time. It was Malachi’s turn to hold Zoe and he could barely contain his excitement. Here was the baby he’d prayed for all throughout my pregnancy. After several women we knew had miscarriages, he had started seriously praying for Baby Boo. Whenever it had been his turn to pray, he’d say, “Dear God, please help the baby to not die. Amen.” Malachi had loved to give the baby goodnight hugs by hugging my big belly. And now he was holding this little baby. Joshua reminded him that it was his job as Zoe’s big brother to take care of her and protect her. And my little man looked so lovingly at his sister in his arms and immediately began telling her about the sword he had. He took his job very seriously and wanted Zoe to know that he had the right tools for the job. And right there was a beautiful blend of tenderness and manliness.

On Sunday we took the kids’ bikes out to the parking lot and had fun together. When it was time to go back inside we all dragged the bikes through the muddy backyard and back to our porch. It was not an easy job, but Malachi insisted on taking his bike back all by himself. I kept offering to help, but he just said, “No, thank you” and kept at it. It took him quite a while to get his bike to where it belonged and it had started to rain in the meantime, but he persisted and finally succeeded.

Tonight Evangeline was having a hard time eating her dinner. She was being a typical 2-year-old and refusing to chew and swallow her food and in addition she was screaming and crying. I took her onto my lap to get her to calm down enough to attempt to eat, but I wasn’t having much success. Then Malachi quietly reached out and held onto her hand and all of a sudden, Evangeline stopped screaming, chewed the food in her mouth and calmly swallowed it. And she held onto her big brother’s hand the whole time.

So you see why I’m so proud of my little Malachi? He’s turning into a loving, tender, strong and determined little person. And if he makes me this proud now at four years of age, then I can’t wait to see what he’ll be like when he becomes a man.

Keep growing as you are, my little Malachi. And may God use you for His glory in big and amazing ways.

Musings, Ramblings and Thoughts About My 25th Birthday

2009-03-22T06:56:00.004-04:00

So today I turn a quarter of a century old. I was trying to determine if I feel really old now or still really young and I've decided that I feel young. I still think of myself as a sixteen-year-old petty teenager at times and I'm not sure when I'll start feeling like a "grown-up." Yes, I've got responsibilities out the kazoo, but I still can't seem to get a grip on being an adult. Maybe I'll figure it out by the time I'm 30 or maybe by 60.

Sometimes it feels strange to have skipped the college phase of life when most of my peers chose that path. I don't regret not going to college- I just wish I had a friend who didn't go either. It'd sure be nice to have someone my own age to talk to about potty training methods, homeschooling, and what to do with an emotional 5-almost 6-year-old. It'd sure be nice to not be the youngest mother in my social circle.

Oh, well! God saw fit to put me here and now and so here and now is where I will bloom. God has done some amazingly beautiful and harsh things to me in these past 25 years- more than I thought could fit into 25 years! It's exciting and a little bit frightening to think about what He'll do in the next 25 years. But whatever crazy stuff He's got in store for me, I know it'll be better than I can fathom right now. Golly, it takes a lot of faith to trust God with my future! But He's proven Himself trustworthy in the past so I guess I'm just going to have to close my eyes, grab His hand and jump right in to this new quarter of a century. Here goes!

Happy Birthday to me!

Spring, Spring!

2009-03-20T12:12:00.002-04:00

The calendar tells me it's Spring, but the sprinkling of snow this morning says differently. But to help keep my hope alive, I thought I'd post this little ditty that I wrote and posted a few years back. Spring is coming!

The frost is over and so is the freeze,
Spring is coming- I can feel it in the breeze.
I see the green grasses bursting from the brown soil.
The birds build their nests and the ant starts its toil.
Snow has melted and left bluebells in its stead,
Ivy replaces icicles as around trees it starts to thread.
Life is coming from in the winter cocoon it was hiding.
The butterfly is flying in the sweet air now abiding.
Creation sings out songs pure, sweet- praising
To our Lord as these dead He is now raising.
The bees hum out laud and the birds sing out thanks,
The rivers clap their hands, leaping over their banks.
We join in with all our weak might,
Praising the God we know by faith but not yet by sight.
The bright flowers are beautiful the blue sky so clear
It’s times like this we feel that God is near,
But what about the pain we feel and the people that we miss?
Wait now and remember that Heaven is even nicer than this.

All Smiles

2009-03-18T08:52:00.001-04:00

Now that's one happy Zoe! Check out that double chin!

For My Joshua

2009-03-17T11:26:00.003-04:00

I don’t have words to tell you how I’m feeling
I don’t think any language can
At times like these silence is appealing
Somehow I know you understand

And if I ever lose my hearing
And if I ever lose my sight
If all my five senses leave
I know we’d be alright
Cause it seems your heart is a part of mine

So this is how it feels to be breathless
When someone walks out of the room
Stay by me, we can be timeless
Less than forever is too soon

And if we ever lose our hearing
And if we ever lose our sight
If all our five senses leave
I know we’d be alright
Cause it seems your heart is a part of mine

I’ve sorted through all the words I know to use
And looked for beauty to define
I haven’t found what I want to say to you
But I’ll try for the rest of my life
Lets try for the rest of our lives

And if we ever lose our hearing
And if we ever lose our sight
If all our five senses leave
I know we’d be alright
Cause it seems your heart is a part of mine

-- "If I Ever" by Alli Rogers

Lord's Day Quote

2009-03-15T19:47:00.001-04:00

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

A Happy Thought

2009-03-10T13:22:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I gave the kids ice cream with chocolate sauce for a special snack. Their excitement was palpable. They laughed as I spooned out the ice cream. And as I poured on the chocolate sauce they eagerly called to each other to sit down at the table so they enjoy this wonderful treat. Their giggles and enjoyement continued as long as the ice cream lasted. It made me so happy.

And then I thought: Is this how God feels when He gives me a gift? Does He feel this much joy in seeing me be happy? Of course, the answer is no- He feels more. He has even more joy in being my Father than I have in being a mother.

Wow. What a thought!

Is This What Angels Sound Like?

2009-03-10T11:30:00.002-04:00

This brought tears to my eyes. It's so beautiful.

Jesu, Joy Of Man's Desiring

March 9th

2009-03-09T08:59:00.003-04:00

I'm the fourth child in my family. I've always been solidly assured that my mom loved me very much, but sometimes I would wonder if maybe I wasn't quite as special to her when I was a baby as my siblings were. I wasn't the firstborn, after all, so the shiny wonder of having a new child must have worn off by the time I came around. But now that I have four children I see that I was so completely wrong.

I can't express how much I'm enjoying my little Zoe. She is unique and amazing. She is beautiful and has the sweetest little personality. I love cuddling her and kissing her soft, silky hair. And when I look at her I finally know what my mom felt when she looked at me.

This discovery means the world to me. Because now I not only know what my mom felt, I can feel it. I can't ask my mom now what it was like to be mom to four (and later five) kids and how she felt when I was born, but God, in His infinite mercy, has shown me and let me experience it. And it's made me love and appreciate Mom even more.

Happy Birthday, Mom. You taught me Love and now I teach it to my children. I love you.

By His Own Hand He Leadeth Me

2009-03-08T13:59:00.002-04:00

He leadeth me, O blessèd thought!
O words with heav’nly comfort fraught!
Whate’er I do, where’er I be
Still ’tis God’s hand that leadeth me.

Refrain:
He leadeth me, He leadeth me,
By His own hand He leadeth me;
His faithful follower I would be,
For by His hand He leadeth me.

Sometimes mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden’s bowers bloom,
By waters still, over troubled sea,
Still ’tis His hand that leadeth me.

Refrain

Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since ’tis my God that leadeth me.

Refrain

And when my task on earth is done,
When by Thy grace the vict’ry’s won,
E’en death’s cold wave I will not flee,
Since God through Jordan leadeth me.

Refrain

Ooh, Ahh....

2009-03-06T13:33:00.002-05:00

My poor blog has been so neglected of late. But just to show it that I still care, I've given it a makeover! It's my blog so pretty now?

I've got some blog posts clonking around in my head that I hope to type out one of these days. We'll see if that actually happens!

"It's My Party And I'll Dilate If I Want To..."

2009-02-03T07:09:00.003-05:00

Okay, so maybe those lyrics won't catch on and become the next hit song, but nonetheless that's my theme song for the day. As you can see by my pregnancy ticker above, the countdown is over and today is my Due Date- the day the medical folks said this baby should pop out (but what do they know, anyway?) So we decided to make this day special and grand.

For our Due Date Party Day the kids and I will play games and do fun projects together, Joshua will bring home pizza for dinner and then we will enjoy Oreo ice cream sundaes before exchanging gifts (we're very hobbit-like in how we use any excuse to exchange gifts.)

I'm weary beyond words of this pregnancy, but by God's grace I've made it this far and by His strength I'll endure. So it's time to celebrate!

Happy Due Date Day!

An Open Letter To My Dad On His Birthday 1/28/09

2009-01-27T16:11:00.005-05:00

Dear Dad,
You've probably noticed this over the years, but I really, really like birthdays. What a great time to shower extra love and honor on the people I love! And so today is your turn. Now, where to start?

It may sound silly, but one of my favorite things about you is your proximity to me. I like living near you! I like being able to ask you to do all those favors that I'm always hounding you with: "Would you mind picking up --- from the store?", "While you're out could you drop off ---?" "Could I borrow ---?" And the greatest thing is you don't seem to mind. It's entirely possible that I drive you bonkers, but you don't make me feel like I'm a nuisance to you. It's almost like you like being useful and helpful to me. And that makes me feel very, very loved.

One thing that Mom's death taught me is to not take people for granted. But something even bigger that I learned was to not take love for granted. When Mom died, she took her love with her and that left a gaping hole in me, but even as I felt that hole and the coldness that came with it, I felt your love even more. The importance of your love and its breadth has since continued to amaze me and catch me off guard. Your love isn't like my mother's love, but it's exactly what it should be- a father's love.

I've said before how you have been a picture of God to me by the way you love me. You are selfless, you are honest, you help me when I need help and you carry me when I just can't do it. I was wondering today if your love for me has grown over the years or if I've just recently become aware of it. You'd think I'd have noticed something this big before, but maybe I really was that self-centered when I was younger and I didn't see it. Well, I see it now and I'm awestruck at the goodness of God that He would give me not only His love, but yours as well. I've done everything in the world to deserve to not be loved and yet here I am surrounded by it. Your love isn't perfect like my other Dad's love, but it's exactly what I need and I'm so very grateful for it.

Thank you, Dad. I love you, too.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Adiel

I'm Not Myself These Days

2009-01-26T03:58:00.003-05:00

Some of you who know me well know that I don't really like guns. A gun's sole function is to destroy. A gun cannot create or fix something. And while I think there's nothing wrong with owning and properly using a gun (we own a few ourselves) I'd rather have nothing to do with them.

On Saturday my father-in-law called and said he just bought the new handgun he'd been eyeing for a while. He wanted to tell Joshua about it since my dear husband gets excited about that sort of thing, too. He said he was looking forward to the spring when they could get together and do some target practice.

So what was my response when I thought of Joshua going out to needlessly shoot, mangle and destroy things?

"Ooh, maybe they'll let me have a turn!"

It's the pregnancy hormones, people. They could turn the truest hippie into a gun-toting, explosion-loving, maniacal-laughing fiend. And the only antidote is chocolate. Mmm... I could go for some chocolate now.

It's That Time Of Year

2009-01-19T16:13:00.002-05:00

So we're not at sea, but winter in Erie has the same effect.

Warning: Learning Ahead

2009-01-14T19:50:00.004-05:00

Warning: If you start teaching human anatomy to a four-year-old and five-year-old be prepared to hear things like: "I have to go empty my bladder now!" or "Evangeline emptied her intestines!" Or they may just start punching themselves in the head to show you how hard their skull or "bone helmet" is.

But on the plus side you'll discover how useful some parts of our body really are. For example, my kids love the fact that we wouldn't be able to stand right if we didn't have phalanges on our feet. It's a toss up whether pretending to not have toes and falling down is more fun than just saying "phalanges." Oh, and I never knew that such an uncute word such as "vertebrae" can suddenly become adorable when a four-year-old says it.

And while Lily is much more accurate than her brother when locating her femur bones, Malachi's impression of blood grabbing and soaking up oxygen from the lungs is quite a sight to be seen. At this point, I don't know if our decision to homeschool our kids is for their benefit or simply for the entertainment value. Either way, you can't get this kind of schooling anywhere other than the Gardner School of Life.

I Really Don't like Male Ob/Gyns

2009-01-09T14:50:00.000-05:00

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car."

---Carrie P. Snow

Really Too Cool For Words

2009-01-05T14:42:00.002-05:00

I'm so glad our Creator has an appreciation for strange and beautiful things. Plus, "bioluminescent" is just fun to say.

Be sure to read the caption about how the Japanese used these amazing creatures.

The Countdown

2009-01-03T18:00:00.003-05:00

As you may have noticed, today is January 3rd. This means that I have but one more month to wait until my due date. I'm at that stage of pregnancy where everything is related to The Baby. An event only has relevance if it somehow pertains to the birth of The Baby. Time has one purpose- to bring the birthday of The Baby. If you've ever been pregnant or lived with a pregnant woman, then you understand what I'm trying to say here.

I'm so excited to meet Baby Boo face to face and to be rid of that derned relaxin hormone that is making my body feel all googily. (Yes, that is a technical term.) I'm usually tired and cranky and I hurt most days. But hey, it's all worth it for that beautiful "pregnancy glow!" Did I mention I'm also a bit sarcastic these days, too?

Seriously, I'm so thankful that we have another precious life growing and getting ready to join our family. I love my three kids so incredibly much and I know that mommy love just grows with each new recipient. This new little person will be the perfect addition to our family.

I ran across this open letter in a fellow expectant parents' blog and I thought it was too funny not to share. I can so relate!

An Open Letter from My Best Pal

A (Belated) Lord's Day Quote

2008-12-30T11:23:00.002-05:00

We sang this hymn this past Lord's Day and I was reminded of how much I like this line:

"Exalt the Lord, His praise proclaim;
All ye His servants, praise His Name,
Who in the Lord’s house ever stand
And humbly serve at His command.
The Lord is good, His praise proclaim;
Since it is pleasant, praise His Name;
His people for His own He takes
And His peculiar treasure makes."

I just love the part about us being a peculiar treasure. I know this isn't how the song writer intended to use the word, but I think "peculiar" describes the church of God well. If you treasured something that constantly flip-flopped from being rebellious to being devoted and back to rebellion again then I think you'd call that a pretty peculiar treasure, too. And yet He really does treasure us. How peculiar.

It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This

2008-12-14T20:22:00.001-05:00

Sufjan Stevens + one of my all-time favorite hymns= a thing of beauty.

A Bunch Of Random Quotes For You To Enjoy

2008-11-30T18:57:00.002-05:00

"Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them."

----Lily Tomlin

"From pacifist to terrorist, each person condemns violence -- and then adds one cherished case in which it may be justified."

----Gloria Steinem

"I'm happy to finally be in shape ... round is a shape right?"

----Unknown

"[God] is not proud...He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him."

----C.S. Lewis

"Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, you're a mile away and you have his shoes."

----Unknown

"What if we trusted God to do the utterly impossible?"
----Beth Moore

Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T06:52:00.004-05:00

I sent out our annual Thanksgiving letter a few weeks ago and I thought I'd post it here as well. I hope you all have a great day of Thanksgiving to our God for His many gifts to us!

It’s time again for our annual Thanksgiving letter. This is always such a fun letter to write at such a good time of year. Autumn is a soothing time of year here in Erie, PA. We’ve made it through the sticky heat of summer and we’re gearing up for the long, gray winter, but right now we are enjoying bright blue skies, a tapestry of brilliantly colored leaves gently falling around us, and that pleasantly crisp nip in the air. It’s a good time of year to stop and thank God for His many gifts to us.

Our health. As Adiel struggled through a rough bout of morning sickness this summer, we were reminded again of how important our health is to our daily lives and how much we take it for granted. All six of us (including the newest one on the way) are healthy and well. We can breathe, walk, run, see, hear, get out of bed in the morning- all because God has given us good health. We are very thankful indeed that God has made our unborn child healthy, too, which is evident by a strong heartbeat and a lot of kicking!

Our love. “All You Need Is Love.” Isn’t that how the song goes? And while our own feeble love is so insufficient much of the time, when it’s backed by Jesus’ all- sufficient love then that really is all you need. Sometimes it seems like we’re full to bursting with love in our family: Lily is so good with Evangeline- helping her, comforting her, being patient with her, Malachi is already tenderly loving his newest sibling- he’ll rub Mommy’s belly and talk to “Baby Boo,” and the kids take turns going out on “Daddy Dates” with Joshua- what a treat that is! And Adiel still stays at home and shows her love through cleaning, cooking, teaching, etc. We all genuinely like being around each other and we are so grateful for this love that fills our lives.

Our home. We’ve lived in this house for a little over four years and it has been a good home for us. Even though we are starting to feel a little cramped here as our family continues to expand, we are so grateful for a warm, comfortable house to call home. These four walls hold some of our best memories.

Our Family. This is the gift that keeps on growing! Just when we think this parenting thing can’t get any crazier, along comes another addition of joy, trials and dirty diapers. We’re so excited for Kid #4 to arrive in February, but in the meantime we’re keeping mighty busy with the other three kids! Lily is a very loquacious 5-year-old Kindergartener and she’s learning like crazy! We’re doing our best to keep up with her growing mind, but she learns everything we put in front of her and is eager for more. She is so excited to learn how to read and Adiel is thrilled to have the honor of being her teacher. Malachi just turned four and is growing in size, brains, and character. He is turning into a little gentleman. Well, he’s gentle when he wants to be, but when it comes to getting rough and tough with a mud puddle or wrestling with Daddy, then he leaves gentleness behind! In fact, the only one who can compete with Malachi’s roughness at times is little Evangeline. At 1 ½ she’s gaining quite a reputation for herself as one tough cute cookie. She may be pint-sized, but that little girl makes up for her size with her spunk. She doesn’t seem to realize that she’s small so she runs, climbs, wrestles, and gets into trouble just as much as her big siblings. We’re kind of hoping our next kid is a little mellower than Evangeline.

And Joshua and Adiel are still truckin’ away at raising this family and keeping busy with their own talents- music and winemaking for Joshua and photography and homemaking for Adiel. We’re a strange crew when you put us all together, but this family is still striving toward holiness in our own odd ways.

Our Hope. We have had some really great times as a family, but we’ve also gone through some dark, horrible times. We’ve experienced death and heartache, sickness and pain, but through each and every moment we’ve been held together by the promises of God and the hope we’ve found in Him. Today the sun is shining, but tomorrow maybe it will rain again. But we know that even then our hope doesn’t change. We know our place in God’s kingdom and we know that this earth isn’t really where we belong. Heaven isn’t that far away and we are getting ready for it. And that hope is truly something to be thankful for!

Here we are at the end of another letter at the end of another year. How exciting it is to anticipate the events waiting for us in the coming year! We hope you, too, are filled with the wonder of God’s goodness toward us simple humans. How good He is!

With our love,
Joshua, Adiel, Lily, Malachi and Evangeline

A Quote

2008-11-23T13:42:00.000-05:00

"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world."

---- C.S. Lewis

15 Things I'm Not Ashamed Of

2008-11-16T19:26:00.003-05:00

Gaby tagged me for this "15 Things I'm not ashamed of" ditty and since I've never been tagged before, I thought it'd be fun to follow through and write down these 15 things.

15 Things I’m not ashamed of:
1. I like to sing Psalms.
2. At this moment I look like a rough representation of what a walrus would look like after eating a heavy Thanksgiving dinner with a bowling ball for dessert.
3. My kids are ordinary. Yes, they are very special to me, but I’m not ashamed to say that they aren’t all that out-of-the-ordinary.
4. I don’t celebrate Christmas.
5. I do celebrate the Sabbath.
6. I can’t cook rice, make certain kinds of fudge or chewy peanut butter cookies (unfortunately for my husband.)
7. I got married at 18 and started having kids right away. Folks around here assume that getting married young and having a baby so soon means we weren’t “pure” before our marriage or “responsible” after getting married. Some people are subtle as they do the math, but others just ask outright: “How old are you? And how old is your oldest child?”
8. I stay home and care for my own kids.
9. I struggle on and off with depression.
10. I like the smell of gasoline- except when I’m pregnant.
11. I often laugh so hard that I start sobbing and can’t stop.
12. I like shopping at Wal-Mart and Pier1. Polar opposites, but good stuff at both places.
13. I’m addicted to buying coffee mugs (especially from Pier1.) Just bought two new ones yesterday.
14. I’m part of an odd church that a lot of people don’t like. We’re too serious for them.
15. These Internet questionnaires are really just desperate cries for love and attention. We all want someone to know these things about us, but no one listens long enough to get to know us this well. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m so hungry for love that I’ve settled for writing this little blurb rather than try to find someone who will listen and care in person.

My Memory

2008-11-14T07:53:00.002-05:00

Today I was remembering a history lesson Mom had given us back in 6th or 7th grade. It was someting I'd had an attitude about at the time, but I realized that I remembered more of it than I thought I did. What's more, I cared about this topic now.

"How about that?" I thought. "Mom actually knew what she was doing when she taught us. She taught me to care about this stuff. I should tell her that. She'd get a kick out of hearing me say that after all this time."

It only took half a second or so before I remembered that I couldn't tell Mom. It's been over five years now since she died. You'd think I'd be able to remember that.

My Daily Thanks

2008-11-09T14:32:00.004-05:00

If you are a follower of my dear sister's blog, you'll have noticed that she is once again posting her daily thankfulness posts. While I greatly enjoy reading those posts of hers, when I saw that she had started that again this year I felt a little down. You see, that was my idea to begin with. A few years back I started writing my Daily Thanks posts and it was such a good time for me. But this year I just can't write daily posts like that. I simply don't have the time or brain power. And that kinda bums me out.

But I've decided to not get down about it. Yes, I miss thinking up and writing out my Daily Thanks posts, but I need to realize that, for now, this is just a side effect of the stage of motherhood that I'm at right now. Sometimes I feel like there are too many things I've had to give up over the last several years, but then God always reminds me of how much I've gained in the beautiful blessings of my children.

So I guess this right here is a Daily Thanks post. I'm so thankful for my children and everything that goes along with them- sleepless nights, poopy messes, temper tantrums and bickering, the drain of my time and energy and the goodnight hugs from warm, cozy little people, the smiles that greet me whenever I come home, the little life squirming in my womb, and the feel of my heart winding around four other little hearts.

Thank you, God, for my little people. They are exactly what I've always wanted, even if I never knew it before. Give me strength to keep loving them when I don't feel loving toward them and help me to remember the blessing that they really are to me. And thank you for letting me see, as I look at my children, a little of what You see when You look at me.

Captions, Anyone?

2008-11-07T18:47:00.002-05:00

This was a "blooper" from my portrait session with Barb, Grace and Dora. I thought Grace's expression was priceless! Here's the challenge: What do you think she's thinking? (You can click on the image to see it larger.)

A Quote

2008-11-06T20:15:00.000-05:00

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
---C.S. Lewis

More Great Music

2008-10-24T08:22:00.001-04:00

I hadn't heard this song in years and then I stumbled upon it just a few days ago. It's even better now than when I liked it before.

Still Fighting It

Am I A Soldier Of The Cross?

2008-10-19T13:37:00.001-04:00

Am I a soldier of the cross,
A follower of the Lamb,
And shall I fear to own His cause,
Or blush to speak His Name?

Must I be carried to the skies
On flowery beds of ease,
While others fought to win the prize,
And sailed through bloody seas?

Are there no foes for me to face?
Must I not stem the flood?
Is this vile world a friend to grace,
To help me on to God?

Sure I must fight if I would reign;
Increase my courage, Lord.
I’ll bear the toil, endure the pain,
Supported by Thy Word.

Thy saints in all this glorious war
Shall conquer, though they die;
They see the triumph from afar,
By faith’s discerning eye.

When that illustrious day shall rise,
And all Thy armies shine
In robes of victory through the skies,
The glory shall be Thine.

Yikes!

2008-10-15T18:59:00.000-04:00

As if they weren't already scary enough.

Lord's Day Quote

2008-10-12T13:07:00.002-04:00

Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest; Now Thee alone I seek, give what is best. This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ to Thee; More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Let sorrow do its work, come grief or pain; Sweet are Thy messengers, sweet their refrain, When they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to Thee; More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

A Rambling Post About My Kids, But Mostly About Malachi

2008-10-09T20:29:00.004-04:00

When I was pregnant with Evangeline about two years ago I enjoyed watching our other kids' varying levels of excitement for the baby. Lily was thrilled about having a new baby around and she liked to feel the baby kick my belly. Malachi really wasn't all the interested in all that baby stuff- even after Evangeline was born!

This time around it's so different. Malachi is very aware of "Baby Boo" and knows that the bump in Mommy's belly is a real little person who will be coming out someday. He's protective of me and he'll just walk up to me and kiss or pat my belly. He likes to "snuggle" with Baby Boo and give her hugs.

But here's the sweetest thing ever: Several days ago Malachi and Lily were cleaning the shelf that holds all our shoes (aptly named the Shoe Shelf) and Malachi very carefully left a free space on the bottom shelf for Baby Boo. I thought that was so cute, but I figured he'd forget about it after five minutes. Imagine my surprise when, this evening as I was putting my shoes away on the bottom shelf, he said firmly, "Make sure you leave space for Baby Boo." In Malachi's mind the baby is just as much a part of our family as Lily or Evangeline is- and just as real. Wouldn't you love those pro-choicers to imitate that?

Anyway, I suppose I've rambled enough for one post. I just like my family and I'm so amazed at how my kids are growing and turning into fascinating little people. Malachi has been difficult lately so it's good for me sometimes to remember his admirable attributes.

And so to close with a Malachi quote: "I can't take care of too many sisters!"

Fear

2008-10-08T13:03:00.000-04:00

"Fear" by Sarah McLachlan

A Milestone Day

2008-10-06T08:50:00.004-04:00

Today I turned the heat on in our house for the first time since last winter. The temperature had been dipping around 56 and 57 degrees indoors for the last several days, but we stayed firm and just put on an extra sweatshirt. This morning it was down to 55. For some reason that one tiny degree made all the difference and I couldn't hold out any longer.

Sigh. It's only October. My dad usually makes it to November before giving in.

Dumb and Dumber

2008-10-01T12:24:00.003-04:00

From time to time I like to meditate on some of the more truly stupid issues we humans deal with (and get used to) on this fallen planet. There are those petty arguments between friends, stubbed toes, chapped lips and lima beans just to name a few. The latest item I've added to my list is the goodbye.

I mean, who's dumb idea was that one? Here's a great example of its stupidity: imagine a small handful of people who have known each other since birth, grown up in the same home, and shared the same parents, memories and bathroom. These people have held each other up during tough times and also enjoyed some pretty uproariously good times together, too. Then imagine them one day all saying goodbye to each other and separating to various parts of the country only to see each other once or twice a year and maybe have the occasional phone call.

Pretty dumb, huh?

Or how about this one: let's say there's a young woman who has a few babies and raises them and loves them into adulthood and one day- boom!- she leaves them all, never to return. Isn't that just most asinine thing you've ever heard?

And yet, we take it all in stride and say it's part of life- because, well, it is part of life here. But my husband reminded me just today that it won't always be like this. The stupid goodbye will never happen in Heaven.

Here's hoping the Land of Endless Hello comes soon.

Just 'Cuz It's Silly

2008-09-19T16:21:00.000-04:00

So True

2008-09-14T20:33:00.002-04:00

This just might be my favorite Baby Blues strip yet.

(click on image to enlarge.)

Happy Birthday, Joshua!

2008-08-20T13:59:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is my wonderful husband's 28th birthday. I'm afraid tomorrow will get too busy so I'm posting this today. If you get me started on how great I think my man is then I could write pages. So instead I will simply post a few pictures that, I think, sum up what I love so much about Joshua.

His careful thoughtfulness.
His tender love for our kids.

His willingness to work hard.

And, last but not least, his dashing good looks!

I couldn't find a picture that properly portrays his goofiness, (even if I did he probably would rather I not post it) but that is also something that I love about him.

All these different aspects of my Joshua are what make being his wife a joy. He's not a perfect man, but he's the perfect man for me.

I love you, Joshua. Happy Birthday!

Lord's Day Quote

2008-08-17T21:43:00.000-04:00

He leadeth me, O blessèd thought!
O words with heav’nly comfort fraught!
Whate’er I do, where’er I be
Still ’tis God’s hand that leadeth me.

Refrain
He leadeth me, He leadeth me,
By His own hand He leadeth me;
His faithful follower I would be,
For by His hand He leadeth me.

Sometimes mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden’s bowers bloom,
By waters still, over troubled sea,
Still ’tis His hand that leadeth me.

Refrain

Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since ’tis my God that leadeth me.

Refrain

And when my task on earth is done,
When by Thy grace the vict’ry’s won,
E’en death’s cold wave I will not flee,
Since God through Jordan leadeth me.

Refrain

What's Over There?

2008-08-16T10:51:00.000-04:00

Your guess is as good as theirs.

Gotta Love This Quote

2008-08-12T07:43:00.001-04:00

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

----Mark Twain

Another Good Song

2008-08-08T14:41:00.003-04:00

I've heard this song dozens of times, but I was struck anew by it today. Yeah, the music video is a tad on the silly side, but just listen to the song. I bet that you'll be struck by a strange desire to raise your hands in praise. At least I was.

Redeemer

From My Heart To Yours

2008-08-05T14:19:00.004-04:00

Throughout the earliest stages of this pregnancy, I have been struggling with fear. I've been afraid of the possibility of miscarriage. After all, don't women who have their children close together have a greater chance of miscarriage? I've never had a miscarriage- isn't it my turn? I would imagine what it'd feel like to go into my next midwife appointment only to find that there is no heartbeat and my baby has died. These fears were starting to eat me up inside and I felt like panic was always just below the surface.

It took me some time and a lot of crying out to God, but I reached the point of being able to say, "God, you are in control here. You can give my baby life or You can take it away. You are good so I trust You no matter what you decide."

Last Friday I went in for my check up. I lay down on the exam table and the midwife got the doppler tool they use to hear the heartbeat. She put it on my belly, wiggled it around and... nothing. She couldn't find a heartbeat. She tried a different spot- still no heartbeat. She pushed on my belly until it hurt, still trying to find that gentle beating. I heard my own heart's beat, but not my child's.

I tried to not cry. I prayed, silently screaming the words, "God, please!" Then I fought down the panic and I was able say to Him, "Whatever you decide, I trust You. God, help me." In that moment God was asking me, "So did you really mean what you said about trusting Me? Are you really willing to trust me even now?" And I found I was able to answer- through tears- "Yes, Lord, I trust You. Even now."

And, suddenly, I heard the heartbeat.

The gentle whooshing of my baby's little heart was strong and healthy. He had just been tucked away in there and hiding from us. I breathed a prayer of thanks.

I cried the whole way home that morning. I had had quite a scare, but I realized that I had also passed the test. It's not often that I pass the tests that God gives me and I felt such joy- again through tears- that my faith has grown enough to pass this one. God has done some really horrible things to me. I have experienced what it's like to see a sonogram and know that baby wouldn't live. But I am able to say, with full certainty, that my God is good.

I write this with the hope that you, too, can now look back on the various heartaches you've endured and see that God brought you through them all and He was holding you close the entire time. He asks a lot of us when He tells us to trust Him, but He is always worthy of our complete trust.

And all these tears that we've cried through these hardships have been counted and stored by the One who sees all and one day He will wipe them all away.

Another Arrow For Our Quiver!

2008-08-03T19:14:00.002-04:00

That's right, another baby is on the way and we're thrilled to bits about it! Come February, Lord willing, there will be a beautiful child in our arms for us to love and raise.

How amazing is that?!

Found On A Photography Blog

2008-07-31T06:10:00.002-04:00

"I don’t think of myself as a great photographer, I may never be a great photographer; but I am definitely having fun just trying to become a better photographer than I was yesterday."

Yep, that's what I say, too.

Just Plain Good Stuff

2008-07-29T12:32:00.002-04:00

I don't actually watch the show "America's Got Talent," but I do enjoy watching some of the highlights from the show online. I wanted to share with you two of the acts that I keep coming back to. Both of these performances combine something rather old-fashioned and traditional with something new and modern. It really is a joy to see people work hard at their art and create something really incredible.

The Southern Belles

Nuttin' But Strinz

A Suggestion

2008-07-27T20:04:00.005-04:00

About a year ago, my family and I were out taking a leisurely Sabbath afternoon walk and our steps took us past the local nursing home. There were a few elderly patrons sitting outside enjoying the fresh air and they were staring and smiling at the kids so we walked over to say hi. They introduced themselves as Paul and Betty. Betty lives at the home and Paul, her husband, constantly comes to visit her. We said we'd come see them again and they were excited at the prospect.

It's been over a year now and we've been visiting Paul and Betty on various Sundays ever since. We try to make it every other week or so. We've also made a few new friends there. Ginny, a single woman who lives at the home and doesn't have any family nearby is always thrilled to see us. She doesn't remember us from visit to visit, but the kids always bring a smile (and sometimes tears) to her face.

I'm mentioning all this because this experience has been a really good thing for our family. We are training our kids to be unselfish with their time and to be kind to others. The kids used to be a little scared of the older folks, but now they ask every Sunday, "Can we go see the elderly today?" God gave us this little ministry and we are so glad He did. Each time we visit the elderly and bless them through the simple joy of a young child's hug, it's as though we are doing it to Jesus and we, in turn, will be blessed for it.

There are some weeks that I don't want to go to the nursing home and there have been times when we didn't go when perhaps we shouldn't have skipped it. So we're not perfect here. But I feel it our duty to share this tiny way in which we are endeavouring to obey Jesus and to suggest to you that you do the same. Your ministry will be different from ours and maybe visiting a nursing home isn't practical for you, but please consider doing something. Jesus is pretty clear when He told us to visit the sick, prisoners, etc.

Anyway, like I said, each of our ministries will look different, but may I encourage you to be sure you are ministering in some way?

Too Funny To Not Share

2008-07-23T17:02:00.003-04:00

What would happen if I took my two daughters, put 'em in a box and shook 'em:

Hmm, maybe they're cuter separate.

I'm Not Alright

2008-07-21T15:48:00.002-04:00

I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

[Chorus:]I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I'm not that strong.

[Chorus:]I'm not alright... that's why I need you.

(Listen to the song here.)

My Deer Little Boy

2008-07-20T20:49:00.002-04:00

Just as we were leaving my in-laws' house yesterday, we came upon a beautiful little fawn standing in the road. We slowed the van and said to the kids, "Look at the baby deer!" We pointed out its little white spots. What a great opportunity to show the kids God's glorious handiwork!

Malachi, in his usual boyish way, said from the backseat, "When is Grandpa going to get his gun and hunt it? Deer turns into meat!"

A Poem

2008-07-17T10:11:00.003-04:00

Here's an exerpt from a poem written by Kevin Swanson for his mother. It's so lovely and just what I needed to hear.

Some will stand in the gates.
Make a name in the state.
But she's in the kitchen
Surrounded by children.
Nothing big in the world's estimation,
Just taking that world with the next generation.

A glorious woman
Jehovah has given.
Worthy of such honor
No mere man could proffer.
In the eyes of the world, there's nothing to see.
But then, that world was never worthy of these.

Being A Dad

2008-07-16T16:59:00.003-04:00

Joshua had stumbled upon this article about Christian fatherhood. It's so beautiful that I thought some of you might enjoy it as well.

My Education Continues

2008-07-16T14:30:00.003-04:00

My Dictionary.com Word of the Day today was "mephitic." I had never heard of this word before, but amazingly enough I found I understood its meaning and purpose completely. I think I can even use it in a sentence:

"The odor emanating from Evangeline's room this morning was mephitic."

Yes, after changing that diaper (and the sheets and giving her a bath) I find that my mind has now been enriched in its understanding of the very aptly descriptive word, mephitic. Who says motherhood can't develop our minds more?

mephitic \muh-FIT-ik\, adjective:1. Offensive to the smell; as, mephitic odors. 2. Poisonous; noxious.

Super Cute Kids!

2008-07-06T17:40:00.003-04:00

When we were in Illinois I managed to get a picture of each our adorable little relatives. Look how much they are growing up!

Marriage in the Eyes of a Three-Year-Old

2008-07-05T17:29:00.003-04:00

This evening, during family worship, Joshua thanked God that we've been married for six years. When we were done praying, Malachi said excitedly, "I'm going to marry a girl! And Lily's going to marry a boy!"

"What about Evangeline?" I asked.

Without missing a beat he answered, "She'll marry a baby."

Happy Anniversary To Us!!!

2008-07-05T09:22:00.002-04:00

Today marks the sixth year of marriage for Joshua and me. Six years doesn't sound like a very long time, but these last six years have felt like a lifetime. I can't express enough what a joy it is to spend my life with my best friend. And if the first six years have been this great, I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives will be like.

Our Newest Niece Is Here!!

2008-06-26T00:13:00.002-04:00

Our newest niece was born earlier this evening! Her name is Jordan Michelle. She lives way down in Texas so I don't even know when we'll get to meet her in person. I'm guessing she's insanely cute, though- it seems like that runs in the family.

Possibly The Spiffiest Sport Ever

2008-06-23T14:22:00.003-04:00

A friend from church organized a really neat Vacation Bible School of sorts where the kids are learning about martyrs and missionaries from certain cultures. We're meeting once a month and each month we'll be studying a different culture. Today's study was about Adoniram Judson who went to Burma. It was a really good time.

I was in charge of finding a Burmese game for us to play and I discovered Chinlone. It's so spiffy to watch, but super hard to play! It was sure fun watching the kids try it. I totally love the creativity involved in playing the game.

Check out a video of Chinlone being played here.

Jumbled Thoughts About Why We Do What We Do

2008-06-16T13:47:00.003-04:00

I was sitting in church yesterday thinking about all the time and energy I put into making myself clean and presentable that morning. I took care to shower and do my hair and pick out a nice outfit. I made sure I was in a good mood so I could smile and chat with other people at church. And I sat there all prim and polished, as we confessed our sins before God and admitted how worthless and vile we are.

But I didn't feel worthless and vile. I was clean. I didn't even have cracker crumbs on my shirt dropped by some messy child. I put on my best face this morning and now I was supposed to focus on how not nice I am.

I'm totally convinced of my sinfulness and perverted nature. But on Sunday mornings I feel clean and pulled together- well, most of the time I do, anyway. So I was just thinking what difference it would make it I showed up for corporate worship in my sweats with my hair disheveled and greasy and feeling grumpy in general. What difference would that make in my worship? When I'm sitting at home having a quiet time with God, I feel more real and unappealing. And sometimes, on the flip side, I feel so guilty sitting in church with everyone else looking so neat and pulled together and when I compare myself with them I feel filthy- even though I look just as nice as they do right then. So why do we get all dressed up for church? I mean, I understand the idea of being properly dressed for meeting with our God, but still.... How am I supposed to be real when I'm all dolled up?

I was trying to bring these thoughts together for a coherent blog post, but I'm finding I'm having a hard time doing that. Does any of this make sense? Does anyone else feel similarly? Any thoughts, anyone?

A Music Video I Actually Like

2008-06-11T20:44:00.002-04:00

I complain a lot about music videos and their general lameness, but I find I can't get enough of this music video. I really like it. Those of you who know me well shouldn't have a hard time figuring out why.

Stop Me If You've Heard This One...

2008-06-05T16:41:00.001-04:00

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

We're So Cute

2008-06-04T19:42:00.003-04:00

I feel like I don't post many pictures of my family here anymore so I thought the time was ripe to enriched the blogger world with a photo of an adorable family. Families this cute don't happen every day, you know. I'm not biased here at all, of course.

Cheeky Quote

2008-06-03T19:06:00.001-04:00

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

Introducing...

2008-05-31T22:19:00.001-04:00

This is Kierra, my newest adorable niece. Isn't she precious?

Happy News!!!

2008-05-30T11:31:00.002-04:00

I have a new niece! My sister-in-law Christen just gave birth this morning to her second little girl. I don't know the exact time or weight- I don't even know her name! All I know is that she has a headful of red hair. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be far off if I assumed she was the cutest little newborn on the face of the earth.

Just in Case You Were Interested

2008-05-29T20:08:00.002-04:00

I frequently check this blog for inspiration for my portraits. This photographer takes such beautiful pictures. I think her wedding pictures are particularly breathtaking. I find myself attempting to mimic her style- of course her style includes a fully functional studio with all the bells and whistles. Oh, well. I can dream, can't I?

"The Everlasting Song Is Almost On Thy Lip"

2008-05-28T07:06:00.005-04:00

"Whom he justified, them he also glorified." -- Romans 8:30

Here is a precious truth for thee, believer. Thou mayest be poor, or insuffering, or unknown, but for thine encouragement take a review of thy"calling" and the consequences that flow from it, and especially that blessed result here spoken of. As surely as thou art God's child today, so surely shall all thy trials soon be at an end, and thou shalt be rich to all the intents of bliss. Wait awhile, and that weary head shall wear the crown of glory, and that hand of labour shall grasp the palm-branch of victory.
Lament not thy troubles, but rather rejoice that ere long thou wilt be where "there shall be neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain." The chariots of fire are at thy door, and a moment will suffice to bear thee to the glorified.The everlasting song is almost on thy lip. The portals of heaven stand open for thee.
Think not that thou canst fail of entering into rest. If he hath called thee, nothing can divide thee from his love. Distress cannot sever the bond; the fire of persecution cannot burn the link;the hammer of hell cannot break the chain. Thou art secure; that voice which called thee at first, shall call thee yet again from earth to heaven, from death's dark gloom to immortality's unuttered splendours. Rest assured, the heart of him who has justified thee beats with infinite love towards thee.
Thou shalt soon be with the glorified, where thy portion is; thou art only waiting here to be made meet forthe inheritance, and that done, the wings of angels shall waft thee faraway, to the mount of peace, and joy, and blessedness, where,

"Far from a world of grief and sin,
With God eternally shut in,
"thou shalt rest for ever and ever.

--Charles Spurgeon

Gated Community

2008-05-17T17:21:00.001-04:00

A not so subtle Silly Song.

Speaking In Song

2008-05-14T12:07:00.004-04:00

There have been a few songs that God has lately been using to teach me some things about Himself. Two of these songs are "Wholly Yours" and "I Need You to Love Me."

"But the harder I try the more clearly can I
Feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me, making me clean"

--Wholly Yours by David Crowder Band (You can listen to the song here.)

"I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

But I need You to love me, and I-
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me"

---I Need You to Love Me by Barlow Girl (You can listen to the song here.)

Neither of these songs are new or particularly profound, but whenever I hear them in the car or on a Pandora station, it feels like a hug from my heavenly Daddy. It's like He's saying, "It's okay. I feel the weight of your sin even more than you do, but when I look at you I don't see any of your yuckiness. All I see is my little girl whom I love very much. And I'm not done with you yet."

And those words are what get me through the day.

It Was Just One Of Those Days

2008-05-13T19:10:00.001-04:00

All My Tears

2008-05-12T18:31:00.004-04:00

I heard this song for the first time today and it gave me shivers. I think either Buddy or Julie Miller originally wrote the song, but I really like Jars of Clay's version.

All My Tears by Jars of Clay

When I go, don't cry for me
In my Father's arms I'll be
The wounds this world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I'll be whole.
Sun and moon will be replaced
With the light of Jesus' face
And I will not be ashamed
For my Savior knows my name.

It don't matter where you bury me,
I'll be home and I'll be free.
It don't matter where I lay,
All my tears be washed away.
Gold and silver blind the eye
Temporary riches lie
Come and eat from heaven's store,
Come and drink, and thirst no more

It don't matter where you bury me
I'll be home and I'll be free
It don't matter where I lay
All my tears be washed away

So, weep not for me my friends,
When my time below does end
For my life belongs to Him
Who will raise the dead again.

It don't matter where you bury me,
I'll be home and I'll be free.
It don't matter where I lay,
All my tears be washed away.

A Quote

2008-05-12T10:36:00.001-04:00

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

---Steven Wright

Lord's Day Quote

2008-05-11T10:15:00.000-04:00

Go, sorrowing son of affliction, tell thy secrets to the Friend who sticketh closer than a brother. Trust all thy concerns with him who never can be taken from thee, who will never leave thee, and who will never let thee leave him, even "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, and to-day, and for ever."
--C.H. Spurgeon

From My Own Experience

2008-05-06T09:30:00.004-04:00

The first time mother:
"AAUGH! The baby is climbing on the Little Tikes kitchen! She could fall and kill herself! It's not safe- we're getting rid of it right away."

After having a few kids:
"Oh, good! The baby is climbing on the Little Tikes kitchen. Maybe now she'll stop climbing on the dining room table and chairs, and the couch and the computer desk and the stairs...."

A Quote

2008-05-04T10:29:00.000-04:00

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

---C.S.Lewis

On Modesty

2008-05-02T12:05:00.003-04:00

C.J. Mahaney has been posting excerpts from the forthcoming book, Worldliness: Resisting the Seduction of a Fallen World, on his blog. The excerpts he is posting are from the chapter he wrote on modesty. He has posted four out of seven parts so far and I've really found reading them to be enjoyable. That is, if you consider it enjoyable to be convicted of sin.

I highly recommend reading these posts. I'm eager for the book to come out- it sounds like something that would be quite helpful to me.

"...modesty is humility expressed in dress."
-----Pastor C.J. Mahaney

Cinderella

2008-04-29T00:03:00.002-04:00

I was in the basement doing laundry, wearing my sweats with holes in them and a baggy t-shirt. I shook my disheveled hair out of my face and looked up the stairs to see Malachi standing at the top in the basement doorway.

"Hello, princess!" he called down cheerfully.

And for a brief moment I remembered: yes, I am a princess.

Lord's Day Quote

2008-04-27T09:17:00.001-04:00

"Learn the divine skill of making God all things to thee. He can supply thee with all, or, better still, he can be to thee instead of all."

---C.H. Spurgeon

Happy Birthday, Lily!

2008-04-23T09:54:00.003-04:00

On this day, five years ago, my precious daughter Lily made her appearance into this family. She brings so much beauty to the Gardner family. I, too often, am impatient with her as she does those little things that five-year-olds do and I've been praying that I would be able to stop being so frantic and take the time to see what she sees in the world.

Being Lily's mommy is a sanctifying experience because our personalities are so similar, (read that: she gets her emotional state from her mommy) but she has an artist's heart and I'm so proud to share that with her.

Father of Lights, from whom came this lovely little girl, thank you for the grave responsibility and the great joy of having Lily as our daughter. Give us grace to raise her well.

Happy Birthday, Lily!