A Quarter of a Century- Plus One

Each year as my birthday rolls around, I like to contemplate where I am in life and some of what’s happened in the past year. I feel like this birthday marks an emerging of sorts out of a dark, brutal year into a year of hope and discovery. As I struggled with postpartum depression I felt like I was simply unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel, but even though I couldn’t see it and simply didn’t even believe it existed, God still brought me through and now there are many days where I’m fairly dazzled by the brightness surrounding me.

This last year I’ve learned so much. I learned that life is hard and that’s normal for this world. I learned that it’s okay to feel like crap and I don’t have to try to make myself feel or seem happy. I learned that when I let people in and share my struggles and weaknesses with them that some of them will let me down and leave me worse than when I started. But I learned that some few precious people will sink down into the muck with me and pull me back out. I learned a bit more what it means that God is my dad. I learned that I can talk to Him about anything- He already knows it all anyway. I learned more about myself and how sinful I am, but I also got to see growth and good things happening in me. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it was a good year.

Thank you, God, for walking with me this year and holding my frail little hand in your big, strong hand. Every time I tripped, You caught me and every time I managed to run, You cheered the loudest and ran with me. I love You, Daddy.

Happy Birthday, Mom

My mom taught me many crucial life lessons in her tenure as my teacher, but I think the one that has shaped my adult life the most is her teaching me to not be a wimp. She told me that sometimes the only way to get rid of pain is to go through it and get it over with. This maxim helped me through the births of my kids, but also through much of life’s everyday struggles. I can still hear Mom saying, “Your mama didn’t raise no wimp.” And that’s what I keep telling myself.

So today, on the anniversary of the day of her birth, my thoughts are turned toward my mom, my teacher, my friend. I’m not one to idolize the dead and elevate them higher than is right, but I do think it’s right to give credit where credit is due. My mom shaped me into the woman I grew up to be. She taught me every day as she lived out her life what it means to be a godly woman. She showed me how to be a loving mommy, how to sacrifice for the good of others, how to keep going when it seems like all strength is gone. She taught me to not run away from pain, but to bravely walk straight through it, knowing the whole time that God has got me by the hand and that just on the other side of this pain is peace and joy.

My mom wasn’t perfect. She was a sinner just like I am. But she was the perfect teacher for me and God made sure she taught me everything she was supposed to before He took her home. Now every day I live out her wisdom. There is pain now in this broken world, but I’m not going to run from it. Life is hard, but the only way to get rid of the pain is to walk boldly through it. My mom walked through it and she made it to the other side where there is peace and joy forevermore. My mamma wasn’t no wimp. And, by the grace of God, I’m going to be just like her.

Musings, Ramblings and Thoughts About My 25th Birthday

So today I turn a quarter of a century old. I was trying to determine if I feel really old now or still really young and I've decided that I feel young. I still think of myself as a sixteen-year-old petty teenager at times and I'm not sure when I'll start feeling like a "grown-up." Yes, I've got responsibilities out the kazoo, but I still can't seem to get a grip on being an adult. Maybe I'll figure it out by the time I'm 30 or maybe by 60.

Sometimes it feels strange to have skipped the college phase of life when most of my peers chose that path. I don't regret not going to college- I just wish I had a friend who didn't go either. It'd sure be nice to have someone my own age to talk to about potty training methods, homeschooling, and what to do with an emotional 5-almost 6-year-old. It'd sure be nice to not be the youngest mother in my social circle.

Oh, well! God saw fit to put me here and now and so here and now is where I will bloom. God has done some amazingly beautiful and harsh things to me in these past 25 years- more than I thought could fit into 25 years! It's exciting and a little bit frightening to think about what He'll do in the next 25 years. But whatever crazy stuff He's got in store for me, I know it'll be better than I can fathom right now. Golly, it takes a lot of faith to trust God with my future! But He's proven Himself trustworthy in the past so I guess I'm just going to have to close my eyes, grab His hand and jump right in to this new quarter of a century. Here goes!

Happy Birthday to me!

March 9th

I'm the fourth child in my family. I've always been solidly assured that my mom loved me very much, but sometimes I would wonder if maybe I wasn't quite as special to her when I was a baby as my siblings were. I wasn't the firstborn, after all, so the shiny wonder of having a new child must have worn off by the time I came around. But now that I have four children I see that I was so completely wrong.

I can't express how much I'm enjoying my little Zoe. She is unique and amazing. She is beautiful and has the sweetest little personality. I love cuddling her and kissing her soft, silky hair. And when I look at her I finally know what my mom felt when she looked at me.

This discovery means the world to me. Because now I not only know what my mom felt, I can feel it. I can't ask my mom now what it was like to be mom to four (and later five) kids and how she felt when I was born, but God, in His infinite mercy, has shown me and let me experience it. And it's made me love and appreciate Mom even more.

Happy Birthday, Mom. You taught me Love and now I teach it to my children. I love you.

An Open Letter To My Dad On His Birthday 1/28/09

Dear Dad,
You've probably noticed this over the years, but I really, really like birthdays. What a great time to shower extra love and honor on the people I love! And so today is your turn. Now, where to start?

It may sound silly, but one of my favorite things about you is your proximity to me. I like living near you! I like being able to ask you to do all those favors that I'm always hounding you with: "Would you mind picking up --- from the store?", "While you're out could you drop off ---?" "Could I borrow ---?" And the greatest thing is you don't seem to mind. It's entirely possible that I drive you bonkers, but you don't make me feel like I'm a nuisance to you. It's almost like you like being useful and helpful to me. And that makes me feel very, very loved.

One thing that Mom's death taught me is to not take people for granted. But something even bigger that I learned was to not take love for granted. When Mom died, she took her love with her and that left a gaping hole in me, but even as I felt that hole and the coldness that came with it, I felt your love even more. The importance of your love and its breadth has since continued to amaze me and catch me off guard. Your love isn't like my mother's love, but it's exactly what it should be- a father's love.

I've said before how you have been a picture of God to me by the way you love me. You are selfless, you are honest, you help me when I need help and you carry me when I just can't do it. I was wondering today if your love for me has grown over the years or if I've just recently become aware of it. You'd think I'd have noticed something this big before, but maybe I really was that self-centered when I was younger and I didn't see it. Well, I see it now and I'm awestruck at the goodness of God that He would give me not only His love, but yours as well. I've done everything in the world to deserve to not be loved and yet here I am surrounded by it. Your love isn't perfect like my other Dad's love, but it's exactly what I need and I'm so very grateful for it.

Thank you, Dad. I love you, too.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Adiel

Happy Birthday, Joshua!

Tomorrow is my wonderful husband's 28th birthday. I'm afraid tomorrow will get too busy so I'm posting this today. If you get me started on how great I think my man is then I could write pages. So instead I will simply post a few pictures that, I think, sum up what I love so much about Joshua.

His careful thoughtfulness.
His tender love for our kids.

His willingness to work hard.

And, last but not least, his dashing good looks!

I couldn't find a picture that properly portrays his goofiness, (even if I did he probably would rather I not post it) but that is also something that I love about him.

All these different aspects of my Joshua are what make being his wife a joy. He's not a perfect man, but he's the perfect man for me.

I love you, Joshua. Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Lily!

On this day, five years ago, my precious daughter Lily made her appearance into this family. She brings so much beauty to the Gardner family. I, too often, am impatient with her as she does those little things that five-year-olds do and I've been praying that I would be able to stop being so frantic and take the time to see what she sees in the world.

Being Lily's mommy is a sanctifying experience because our personalities are so similar, (read that: she gets her emotional state from her mommy) but she has an artist's heart and I'm so proud to share that with her.

Father of Lights, from whom came this lovely little girl, thank you for the grave responsibility and the great joy of having Lily as our daughter. Give us grace to raise her well.

Happy Birthday, Lily!

Happy Birthday, Crystal!

I've been rather blessed in the siblings that God has given to me. I have siblings that were born into this family and siblings that married into it (yes, that's right- they chose to join this crazy crowd!) My first sibling-by-marriage was Crystal.

It was tough getting used to having to share my big brother with someone else. Seth was my property (or so I thought) until Crystal came along. She stole my brother away from me and made his eyes go all "googly" and starcrossed. But as their marriage grew, I saw what true love looked liked and I saw what I wanted when I got married.

I saw Crystal learn to submit herself to her husband and I saw her help him and work with him in his endeavors. I saw that Seth's goals were Crystal's goals and if he failed in some way, then she felt the failure. And when he succeeded then she was rejoicing and celebrating with him. I saw her give of herself without asking for anything in return. I saw her striving to raise Godly children and I saw her reach out to the hurting people around her.

I saw all these things over the years of knowing Crystal and I see them all more than ever today.

Crystal, thank you for being my big sister. Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Jonathan!

I was reading some old blog posts recently and I came across this post that I wrote for Jonathan's birthday two years ago. As I was reading it, I found that it was even more true now so I thought I'd post it again.

***********
My brother, Jonathan, is what you might call the “cool” brother. Seth is getting better in his old age, but Jonathan still outranks him in coolness. Growing up, it was Jonathan who always got me in trouble, but I didn’t mind so much because he was just so much fun! He was the one that would dig tunnels under the garage with me and let me play with his Transformers. He had these neat action figures that had a small space ship thing and we’d try rig up a way for the ship “fly”. I think we used some of Mom’s leftover yarn as line for it to glide on and it never really worked that well, but still, it was amazing!

Even when he was a teenager and always going out with his friends, he made me feel like I wasn’t the annoying little sister tagging along. I almost thought I was cool just like my big brother. His favorite football team was (and is) the 49ers so, of course, that was my favorite team, too. I really didn’t understand football and watching a game bored me to death, but I was a 49ers fan because Jonathan was and I wanted to be just like him.

Like every brother and sister we didn’t always get along so great, but now somehow we’ve ended up as friends. We live about a million miles away from each other and we don’t play with little action figures anymore, but as I watch him live and work and care for Carrie and love her and try to follow where God wants him to go and not be afraid of what anyone thinks of him or what he has to say, I am amazed that he is my brother and I’m so proud to be his sister. So I guess you could say that I still want to be just like my big brother.

***********
Jonathan, I wish that Peoria and Erie were a few hundred miles closer together so that we could celebrate your birthday together. I just want you to know that I'm celebrating here and thanking God for you.
Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Raquel!

In these birthday posts I usually try to focus on one thing about the birthday boy/girl that I appreciate. I think the thing that I appreciate the most about Raquel is her writing. Since there are a few hundred miles separating us, we aren't actively involved in each other's lives, but (thanks to the internet) we know each other through writing.
In particular I enjoy her haiku. I've never met anyone else with such a knack for creating deep, intricate feelings using only a very few words.

Raquel, your haiku are like a little bright spot in the world. You may never become a rich and famous writer, but you've added beauty to my world and I'm a different me now because of you. Thank you for sharing the beauty of your art with us.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

On this day, some (cough, ahem) years ago a great man was born. Maybe you know this man and maybe you don’t, for although he is a great man he is not well known throughout the world. The things this man has done have never been recorded in history books nor has there ever been a newspaper article written about him. Most people who pass him on the street don’t even give him a second glance. This man isn’t famous or powerful.

So what is it about this man that makes him great?

He was husband to a godly wife and he raised five God-fearing children. He preaches in a small, largely unknown church where he teaches his flock, through his words and actions, what it means to love Jesus.

That is what makes him a great man. And not only do I have the privilege to call this man my father, he is also my friend.

Happy Birthday, Dad!
I love you!

Happy Birthday, Spidey!

Yesterday was dubbed Spider-man's birthday in at our house. We had a lovely party for him. He really enjoyed seeing himself on the birthday banner and having his own birthday cake. He was so excited that he needed help blowing out the candles.
Apparently, the excitement was too much for him since he couldn't even eat his cake. He did like looking at it, though.
Happy Birthday, Spider-man!

Happy Birthday, Gaby!

You know how there are some people that you can be yourself around? You know how those certain people are themselves around you? You know how rare these people are? You know how special a thing it is to know someone like that?
Well, I know someone like that.

Gaby, thank you for being that someone for me. I love you, baby sister. May this new year of your life be full of wonder.

Happy Birthday, Gaby!

Malachi's Birthday

We had Malachi's Spider-Man birthday party on Saturday. My little three-year-old adds such- er, pizazz to my life. Between his love of pushing buttons of any kind, his imaginary motorcycles and his just plain boyishness, life with Malachi is never boring. And I wouldn't have it any other way. (Though someone may need to remind me of that the next time I'm cleaning up something else that he's broken.)

Now I ask you: have you ever seen such a cute Spider-man and Spider-girl?




This is Malachi with his new roller-skating gear. Or maybe I should have him wear this all the time. You know, for the next time he falls down, jumps down the stairs, does a Spider-man jump off the furniture, crashes with his "motorcycle", tackles Lily, falls of his swing, runs into the wall....

Happy Birthday, Joshua!

Today is my beloved husband’s birthday. One thing I like so much about birthdays is they give us a chance to publicly honor someone. And if anyone deserves to be honored it’s Joshua. I mean, if he can live with me day in and day out for five years, put up with three cranky kids, fix our old house, (and refix and fix again...) do yard work, change diapers, clean up vomit, and get me chocolate when I need it, then he’s just about what I’d call the perfect husband.

Joshua, it’s been an adventure being married to you. I think I have you figured out and then you go and do something that surprises and amazes me. I’m so grateful for you.
I love you. Happy Birthday.

“Lead me and I’ll follow you
Anywhere, anytime
When the love is right
The path is bright

From the Father of lights you came
And I know I’ll never be the same
again.”

--Tourniquet
When the Love is Right

Happy Birthday, Seth!

Today is my oldest brother's birthday. He is turning 30 today! I could make some sort of obnoxious comment about how old he is, but I'm afraid that, in his senility, he wouldn't get any jokes I make. You know how old people can be.

Seth, thank you for being my big brother. For teaching me the joy of being a gamer, for letting me follow you around at school saying, "Hi, Big Guy!", for babysitting me when I was a brat, for reading Hitchhiker's Guide to me and most of all, for growing up to be my friend.
I love you, Big Guy.

Happy Birthday!

Lily's Princess Party

We had Lily's birthday party on Saturday. It was a Princess party (of course) and we all had lots of fun. All the girls were princesses and got pretty wands and Malachi was a warrior prince so he got a sword.
Lily's princess cake.

Lily modeling some of her gifts from us- a new apron and a cute hat.

She got pretty Princess shoes from Gramma and Grampa Gardner (with lights!) and also a princess blanket and bed sheets.

And Grandpa B. gave her this spiffy bike.

Happy Birthday, Crystal!

Due to a recurring case of RLS (Real Life Syndrome) this birthday post is a few days late. My apologies to the birthday girl.

Saturday was my sister-in-law Crystal's birthday. I'd really like to write something to let her know how much I appreciate her, but my brain is a little muddled (as usual) so bear with me.

I think one of the main things I appreciate about Crystal is the work she does in her family. My brother is a happy man being married to her and he is flourishing because of her being a good helper to him. I love seeing my niece and nephews growing into beautiful (albeit slightly strange) little disciples of Christ. The S. Ben-Ezra family is creative and loving and a big reason for that is Crystal.

You're doing a good job, Crystal. I pray that you would see the fruit of your labors more and more with each passing year.

Happy Birthday!

You Say It's Your Birthday- Well It's My Birthday, Too, Yeah

Well, here we are, less than an hour away from March 22, 2007- my 23rd birthday. It's strange to look over my life at the juncture. I am (almost) 23 years old, I'm married (to a wonderful man, by the way) I have three kids, a mortgage and a minivan. Sometimes I feel old beyond my years and sometimes I feel like I'm far too young to be a wife and mommy. It's amazing that the life I lead is exactly the life I wanted. That just goes to show that we don't always know what we're really asking for!

So, Happy Birthday to me! May my life be full of everyday adventures and may I never grow to old to enjoy them.

Happy Birthday, Jonathan!

Have I told you lately how glad I am that you’re my brother? (I haven’t? Well, there’s a good reason for that.)

Seriously, I’m very grateful that you are my big brother. My only problem with you is that you live so far away. I wish we lived closer so I could give you a big hug, sing “Happy Birthday” to you and make little party hats for all your cats (wouldn’t that be so cute?)

Jonathan, even though sometimes it feels funny to say it, I love you very much. I pray that God would bless you greatly in this new year of your life and shower you with His Love and Glory as you live for Him.

Happy Birthday!