Why I Hate Doing the Thing I Love

I've got a love/hate relationship going on with homeschooling. Yeah, I know it's the right thing to do, but sometimes I feel like I can't take the stress anymore. And I'm not talking about the daily stress of trying to get everything done around the house, take care of a baby and a toddler and teach two school-aged kids. I'm talking about the stress of comparing myself to other homeschoolers and feeling like I'm continually coming up short. It's like everyone else is in the know and I'm the only one who can't seem to figure this thing out. I know that's not true, but I still feel it. I hate wondering if my kids are behind because I'm not teaching them well enough or maybe they're just not as smart as the other kids. And I'd hate, hate, hate for my beautiful kids to ever feel that I think they're not smart enough. Because I know that my children are learning and their little souls are being feed and nurtured.

I know that Jesus has equipped me with everything I need to be a good teacher and mommy to these kids. But still I feel like a failure. I guess this is where the whole grace thing comes in. Even if/when I make mistakes, God's got me covered. He's not going to let my kids fall by the wayside because I'm not a perfect teacher. If He wants them to grow up to be well-learned, faithful disciples then He's going to make that happen- even if all He has to work with is little old me.

I can't fail. Even if all I can manage is a feeble attempt then God is going to take that and run with it. If He can create an entire human race from a pile of dirt, surely He can use me to mold my children into something beautiful.

When Evangeline Gets Into Makeup

Boy, Oh, Boy!

This little dude is 100% BOY! I told him to not jump in the mud puddles today (I was getting tired of the extra laundry, baths, etc.) so he obeyed. Instead, he thought it'd be a good idea to scoop up handfuls of mud and put it in a bucket. *sigh* I guess he can't help it- he's a boy and boys must get muddy.

Malachi Moments

I’m extremely proud of all my kids, but lately there have been some very special “Malachi Moments” and I wanted to share them.

We were in the hospital the day after Zoe was born and the three older kids were meeting their baby sister for the first time. It was Malachi’s turn to hold Zoe and he could barely contain his excitement. Here was the baby he’d prayed for all throughout my pregnancy. After several women we knew had miscarriages, he had started seriously praying for Baby Boo. Whenever it had been his turn to pray, he’d say, “Dear God, please help the baby to not die. Amen.” Malachi had loved to give the baby goodnight hugs by hugging my big belly. And now he was holding this little baby. Joshua reminded him that it was his job as Zoe’s big brother to take care of her and protect her. And my little man looked so lovingly at his sister in his arms and immediately began telling her about the sword he had. He took his job very seriously and wanted Zoe to know that he had the right tools for the job. And right there was a beautiful blend of tenderness and manliness.

On Sunday we took the kids’ bikes out to the parking lot and had fun together. When it was time to go back inside we all dragged the bikes through the muddy backyard and back to our porch. It was not an easy job, but Malachi insisted on taking his bike back all by himself. I kept offering to help, but he just said, “No, thank you” and kept at it. It took him quite a while to get his bike to where it belonged and it had started to rain in the meantime, but he persisted and finally succeeded.

Tonight Evangeline was having a hard time eating her dinner. She was being a typical 2-year-old and refusing to chew and swallow her food and in addition she was screaming and crying. I took her onto my lap to get her to calm down enough to attempt to eat, but I wasn’t having much success. Then Malachi quietly reached out and held onto her hand and all of a sudden, Evangeline stopped screaming, chewed the food in her mouth and calmly swallowed it. And she held onto her big brother’s hand the whole time.

So you see why I’m so proud of my little Malachi? He’s turning into a loving, tender, strong and determined little person. And if he makes me this proud now at four years of age, then I can’t wait to see what he’ll be like when he becomes a man.

Keep growing as you are, my little Malachi. And may God use you for His glory in big and amazing ways.

Warning: Learning Ahead

Warning: If you start teaching human anatomy to a four-year-old and five-year-old be prepared to hear things like: "I have to go empty my bladder now!" or "Evangeline emptied her intestines!" Or they may just start punching themselves in the head to show you how hard their skull or "bone helmet" is.

But on the plus side you'll discover how useful some parts of our body really are. For example, my kids love the fact that we wouldn't be able to stand right if we didn't have phalanges on our feet. It's a toss up whether pretending to not have toes and falling down is more fun than just saying "phalanges." Oh, and I never knew that such an uncute word such as "vertebrae" can suddenly become adorable when a four-year-old says it.

And while Lily is much more accurate than her brother when locating her femur bones, Malachi's impression of blood grabbing and soaking up oxygen from the lungs is quite a sight to be seen. At this point, I don't know if our decision to homeschool our kids is for their benefit or simply for the entertainment value. Either way, you can't get this kind of schooling anywhere other than the Gardner School of Life.

My Daily Thanks

If you are a follower of my dear sister's blog, you'll have noticed that she is once again posting her daily thankfulness posts. While I greatly enjoy reading those posts of hers, when I saw that she had started that again this year I felt a little down. You see, that was my idea to begin with. A few years back I started writing my Daily Thanks posts and it was such a good time for me. But this year I just can't write daily posts like that. I simply don't have the time or brain power. And that kinda bums me out.

But I've decided to not get down about it. Yes, I miss thinking up and writing out my Daily Thanks posts, but I need to realize that, for now, this is just a side effect of the stage of motherhood that I'm at right now. Sometimes I feel like there are too many things I've had to give up over the last several years, but then God always reminds me of how much I've gained in the beautiful blessings of my children.

So I guess this right here is a Daily Thanks post. I'm so thankful for my children and everything that goes along with them- sleepless nights, poopy messes, temper tantrums and bickering, the drain of my time and energy and the goodnight hugs from warm, cozy little people, the smiles that greet me whenever I come home, the little life squirming in my womb, and the feel of my heart winding around four other little hearts.

Thank you, God, for my little people. They are exactly what I've always wanted, even if I never knew it before. Give me strength to keep loving them when I don't feel loving toward them and help me to remember the blessing that they really are to me. And thank you for letting me see, as I look at my children, a little of what You see when You look at me.

A Rambling Post About My Kids, But Mostly About Malachi

When I was pregnant with Evangeline about two years ago I enjoyed watching our other kids' varying levels of excitement for the baby. Lily was thrilled about having a new baby around and she liked to feel the baby kick my belly. Malachi really wasn't all the interested in all that baby stuff- even after Evangeline was born!

This time around it's so different. Malachi is very aware of "Baby Boo" and knows that the bump in Mommy's belly is a real little person who will be coming out someday. He's protective of me and he'll just walk up to me and kiss or pat my belly. He likes to "snuggle" with Baby Boo and give her hugs.

But here's the sweetest thing ever: Several days ago Malachi and Lily were cleaning the shelf that holds all our shoes (aptly named the Shoe Shelf) and Malachi very carefully left a free space on the bottom shelf for Baby Boo. I thought that was so cute, but I figured he'd forget about it after five minutes. Imagine my surprise when, this evening as I was putting my shoes away on the bottom shelf, he said firmly, "Make sure you leave space for Baby Boo." In Malachi's mind the baby is just as much a part of our family as Lily or Evangeline is- and just as real. Wouldn't you love those pro-choicers to imitate that?

Anyway, I suppose I've rambled enough for one post. I just like my family and I'm so amazed at how my kids are growing and turning into fascinating little people. Malachi has been difficult lately so it's good for me sometimes to remember his admirable attributes.

And so to close with a Malachi quote: "I can't take care of too many sisters!"

So True

This just might be my favorite Baby Blues strip yet.


(click on image to enlarge.)

My Deer Little Boy

Just as we were leaving my in-laws' house yesterday, we came upon a beautiful little fawn standing in the road. We slowed the van and said to the kids, "Look at the baby deer!" We pointed out its little white spots. What a great opportunity to show the kids God's glorious handiwork!

Malachi, in his usual boyish way, said from the backseat, "When is Grandpa going to get his gun and hunt it? Deer turns into meat!"

A Poem

Here's an exerpt from a poem written by Kevin Swanson for his mother. It's so lovely and just what I needed to hear.

Some will stand in the gates.
Make a name in the state.
But she's in the kitchen
Surrounded by children.
Nothing big in the world's estimation,
Just taking that world with the next generation.

A glorious woman
Jehovah has given.
Worthy of such honor
No mere man could proffer.
In the eyes of the world, there's nothing to see.
But then, that world was never worthy of these.

Marriage in the Eyes of a Three-Year-Old

This evening, during family worship, Joshua thanked God that we've been married for six years. When we were done praying, Malachi said excitedly, "I'm going to marry a girl! And Lily's going to marry a boy!"

"What about Evangeline?" I asked.

Without missing a beat he answered, "She'll marry a baby."

From My Own Experience

The first time mother:
"AAUGH! The baby is climbing on the Little Tikes kitchen! She could fall and kill herself! It's not safe- we're getting rid of it right away."

After having a few kids:
"Oh, good! The baby is climbing on the Little Tikes kitchen. Maybe now she'll stop climbing on the dining room table and chairs, and the couch and the computer desk and the stairs...."

I Can SO Relate

(click on comic to see full-sized)

A Look in a Mirror

Today Lily threw a temper tantrum which involved screaming and a matchbox car flying through the air. Now, as tantrums go, this one wasn't too terrible, but my little girl did remind me of a certain former little girl who had quite a temper, too. I saw that she was out of control, so before starting the discipline process I just held her in my arms until she was calm.

"Get it together, Lily. Calm down," I said. She responded, "I can't! Please help me."

In that moment, I saw myself as a child in my dad's arms as he soothed me after a tantrum of my own and I knew that I needed to do for my daughter what my parents did for me. I needed to help her.

It is my great responsibility to help my children to fight temptation. I need to help them to fight the temptation to be selfish, to complain, to be lazy and more. This is the responsibility of every parent and yet so many parents do not take this seriously. It is a little frightening to dwell on this responsibility because of the great "what if": What if we fail?

"Was I a fool to even take on this whole parenting job?" I ask myself. "Can I handle it?" Well, if it were all up to me, then yes, I would fail. Unquestionably. But the same God who gave to Joshua and me these children will also see to it that they are raised in the way He designed for them. He has and will give us the strength, wisdom and grace to care for these young souls.

So today I cry to my Heavenly Daddy, "I can't! Please help me." And He will. I know it.

And maybe there are things I should be doing to make it easier to do my job. Perhaps a good option would be for me to take Lily's advice. After she calmed down enough to speak after her tantrum, she spoke these words of wisdom: "Why don't we just get rid of Malachi?"

Amen to That!

During our morning Bible reading time I usually ask the kids to tell me something they want to pray for. Today Malachi mentioned his prayer request, (he prayed that he wouldn't see fire trucks) but Lily was having trouble coming up with something so I suggested she could pray for God to help her to share. Malachi pipes up, "Yeah!!! Pray for that! Lily should share her toys!"

It's so nice to know he's impartial on these issues.

The Unity of Mother and Child

The beauty of the bond between a mother's heart and those of her children is well known. Many a songwriter and poet have filled pages writing on this unique unity. But what is not as well known is the bond between the bladders of mother and child. Yes, it's true, as soon as the mother feels she can no longer go on ignoring the longings and urgings for relief, one, or all, of her children also feel those same urgings of their own.

Such is the timeless tale of the mother: Quietly does she make her move toward the bathroom and silently does she close the door, hoping only to relieve the strain of her poor bladder- the same organ, we must remember, that was so cruelly abused by bearing these children in the first place- when, in that same instant she hears from the other side of the door a sweet little voice chiming: "Mommy, I have to go potty."

Ah, the beauty of the mother- child bond.

Things You Don't Want to Hear

Coming From the Bathroom:
"It won't go down!"


In the middle of the night:
"My bed is messy!"


Anytime:
(Crash!) "Look what Malachi did!"



Feel free to add your own "Things You Don't Want to Hear."

A Bragging Post

I realize that I am seeing this through the biased eyes of a proud mommy, but I'll still brag about it.
Evangeline is only 5 1/2 months old and today she pulled herself up to a standing position and, with some interesting maneuvering, got a toy out of the toy box. Isn't my little girl something? She's always been strong so at this rate she'll be bench pressing her brother by the time she's a year old. My theory is that she's pushing herself to excel in mobility just so she can run away from Lily when she gets in her mothering moods.
I'm so proud of my baby.

Questions I Wish I Didn't Have to Ask

"Where are your underpants?"

"Whose poopy is that?"

"What are you eating?!"

They Win

Well, I've finally conceded the match. My kids have me beat. I reached this conclusion after discovering that little, adorable 5-month-old Evangeline is fully mobile. She does this goofy belly flop thing that can move her across the floor at a shocking speed. So now I have a baby that can get into everything, a 4-year-old with a mouth and imagination running on overdrive and an almost 3-year-old that likes to eat light bulbs and thinks he's Spider-man.
So you see, it's hopeless. My daily life looks something like a circus. I could try to fight my children for my sanity or maybe I should just hang on and enjoy the ride.