Throughout the earliest stages of this pregnancy, I have been struggling with fear. I've been afraid of the possibility of miscarriage. After all, don't women who have their children close together have a greater chance of miscarriage? I've never had a miscarriage- isn't it my turn? I would imagine what it'd feel like to go into my next midwife appointment only to find that there is no heartbeat and my baby has died. These fears were starting to eat me up inside and I felt like panic was always just below the surface.
It took me some time and a lot of crying out to God, but I reached the point of being able to say, "God, you are in control here. You can give my baby life or You can take it away. You are good so I trust You no matter what you decide."
Last Friday I went in for my check up. I lay down on the exam table and the midwife got the doppler tool they use to hear the heartbeat. She put it on my belly, wiggled it around and... nothing. She couldn't find a heartbeat. She tried a different spot- still no heartbeat. She pushed on my belly until it hurt, still trying to find that gentle beating. I heard my own heart's beat, but not my child's.
I tried to not cry. I prayed, silently screaming the words, "God, please!" Then I fought down the panic and I was able say to Him, "Whatever you decide, I trust You. God, help me." In that moment God was asking me, "So did you really mean what you said about trusting Me? Are you really willing to trust me even now?" And I found I was able to answer- through tears- "Yes, Lord, I trust You. Even now."
And, suddenly, I heard the heartbeat.
The gentle whooshing of my baby's little heart was strong and healthy. He had just been tucked away in there and hiding from us. I breathed a prayer of thanks.
I cried the whole way home that morning. I had had quite a scare, but I realized that I had also passed the test. It's not often that I pass the tests that God gives me and I felt such joy- again through tears- that my faith has grown enough to pass this one. God has done some really horrible things to me. I have experienced what it's like to see a sonogram and know that baby wouldn't live. But I am able to say, with full certainty, that my God is good.
I write this with the hope that you, too, can now look back on the various heartaches you've endured and see that God brought you through them all and He was holding you close the entire time. He asks a lot of us when He tells us to trust Him, but He is always worthy of our complete trust.
And all these tears that we've cried through these hardships have been counted and stored by the One who sees all and one day He will wipe them all away.