As you, my faithful readers, well know my husband, Joshua, and I have two beautiful little kids. And you also know that we are eagerly anticipating the day that God will add more little tykes to our family. Here’s where it gets complicated. Late last year, in the beginning of October I had a tubal pregnancy and we lost that little baby. Any medical professional will tell you that once someone has an ectopic pregnancy the chances of it happening again are greater than in someone who has never experienced one. So here I am, impatient to be holding a little baby again and yet I’m scared. What if it happens again?
Naturally, I’ve been praying about this a lot. The more I pray the more Jehovah has been giving me peace. I keep telling myself to trust Him- He’s never failed me yet. But what I HAVEN’T been saying to myself is: “ Don’t worry, God won’t let it happen again.” Because you see, it may very well happen again. I am not saying this out of bitterness or despair, but simply out of honesty. Yes, it may be my loving Father’s will that my heart break again as we lose another baby. It may be His will that Joshua and I never again know the joy of holding a newborn child of ours. But then perhaps it is His will that we will be blessed with thirteen more healthy babies that will grow into Godly disciples. I don’t have a clue what He has planned for our family, but I do know that whatever it is will more beautiful than I can imagine. And I need to remember that beautiful does not always mean painless.
So as I have been praying for a healthy baby to hold and love I’ve also been praying that God would do whatever is in His perfect will to do. And I pray for the grace to be able to accept it.
Having opened my heart to you all and showed you my fears, will you please pray for us? Pray that we really would trust Jehovah with the future of this family. Pray also that He would indeed grant us our desire for another child. And then watch with us as we wait to see what our good God will do.
3 comments:
Adiel:
Dunno of you're aware of this.
On the day Seth and Crystal were moving into our house and we our former home (your *other* brother's house) we lost a baby. That was June, 2002.
Since then we have seen five more go on to be with Jesus.
Peter is turning five this year--that's the age Moriah was when he was born.
Yesterday TC was 15 weeks along with a healthy baby. We had all but given up hope that it was possible for her to conceive and bear a child to term but here one is.
If a boy his name will be Jens Faithful. Jens is the name of my mom's dad who I never met.
Faithful is my Father and your Father who we meet every day and was faithful even in taking these children home.
I do not know what our loving Father has planned for you and Josh and your little ones. But I do know that He is good, He loves you, and He is *faithful*.
I'll be writing more about this on my blog over days to come as we rejoice in this little one we thought we would never have, but today I wanted to remind you that your Father loves you and is faithful. May He grant you the peace of His love and grace!
Father God, please give my sister and brother another child to hold and see and kiss. Please take all fear from them and grant them Your peace. Please remind them every day that You are the God Who hasn't failed them yet. And please give them another child. Amen.
In spite of the distance, I have every intention of continuing to pray for you and your family. You Gardner's/Ben-Ezras produce children who are way too cute for God to stop you at two.
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