Thank you, thank you

I’m grateful for rain on a warm day, juicy tomatoes ripening in the sun, pillows, chocolate, the sound of a toddler laughing, the sound of two toddlers laughing, books, my eyebrows, a hot cup of tea, air conditioning, a hug from my husband.

Father, forgive me for taking these small graces for granted. I pray that You would make my amazement and gratitude for them grow every day.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

A Movie Review

Due to my father generously agreeing to watch the children for us, Joshua and I were able to go out on a real date last Friday. We went to see the newest M. Night Shyamalan movie, Lady in the Water. I would highly recommend this movie- but not to everyone. Let me explain.

Shyamalan has created something of a name for himself with his trademark twist endings. Lady in the Water does not have a twist ending. It is a Fairy Tale. I walked into the movie theater knowing to not expect a twist ending and so I was able to fully enjoy the story as it was, but I fear that the general public will not be so understanding.

Shyamalan has gained my respect for his ability to tell a story in a beautiful way. The way I like to describe his movies is that I view them each as an intricate painting. The story, characters, colors and music all combine to create something that is truly breathtaking and never fails to bring tears to my eyes. That is what I was expecting when I went to see Lady in the Water and I was not disappointed.

The characters are amazing in this story. There were many characters that would have been out of place in a “typical” Shyamalan film, but that fit perfectly in this one. This movie is definitely a different genre for Shyamalan having more comedy that his other films and more rather unusual characters, but it just goes to show that a truly talented storyteller doesn’t have to be confined to a certain mold to create a beautiful story.

Shyamalan has a role in this film that is perfect for him and it is obvious that this role meant a lot to him in the way he played it.

So, if you insist on expecting to see a movie that is identical to Shyamalan’s other movies then don’t see this movie. But if you want to see a good movie with a moving story, fantastic characters and gorgeous music then go see Lady in the Water.

Introducing...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have the honor of introducing, for his first public appearance- the youngest member of the Gardner family- Baby Vos!


Okay, so the picture ain't something to write home about, but I'm so proud of it! He is healthy and cute and that's good enough for me. He is about eleven weeks old now and growing fast. The sonogram showed that the hematoma (blood clot) is still there, but it doesn't seem to be affecting the baby at all. I would like it to not be there, though, so we're praying for that blood clot to disappear.
By the way, we obviously don't know if this little tyke is male or female so he'll be referred to as "he" for the duration of his stay in my belly.

My Frailty

Sometimes I wish I were a kid again. Some days the weight of my responsibilities feels so heavy and I want to dump it all on someone else. I want someone to fly in and clean the house, play fun and educational games with the kids and then make a delicious, comforting meal. But there’s no one here to do that. Except me. If the house is going to get clean then I have to do it. If my kids are going to get the love and attention they need I have to give it to them. If I want to eat a home-cooked meal tonight I have to cook it.

Sometimes I just wish that I could be a kid running to my mommy. My mommy would give me a hug and tell me that this is just a phase in my life and that I’m doing a good job and that she’s proud of me. My mommy would make everything all better. But she’s not here. I am the mommy and it’s my job to make everything all better.

I love being a mommy, but even more I love being a child. If I didn’t have my heavenly Father daily giving me the strength to wash dishes and fold laundry then I would fail and I would always feel the way I’m feeling right now. But I have to remember: this is just a phase in my life, I’m doing a good job and my Father is proud of me. At least that’s what my mommy would say.

Memories

So you all probably know by now that today is the third anniversary of the day my mom got to leave this world and see the one Person that Christians everywhere dream about seeing. While I figure there’s really no reason to be sad today I’d still like to commemorate this day by remembering some of the wacky things about my mom. Enjoy.

1. Mom is up to her elbows in raw meat- the makings for a whole heap of meatballs. Dad decides to surprise her and walks in the door with a single rose and a sweet note for her. I suppose I should mention now that she was also coloring hair ( multi-tasking, you know) and so she was wearing an ugly, junky shirt with smelly goop in her hair while up to her elbows in raw meat. The lovebirds look at each other, laugh hysterically and kiss. Now that’s true romance.

2. Gaby, Mom and I are at Barnes and Noble enjoying coffee at their cafe. We decide it’s time to leave and get our jackets, ponchos, etc on. One problem: Mom somehow has trouble finding the head hole in her poncho and is flailing her arms in the air about half enveloped by black poncho yelling, “Help!” Gaby and I did the only reasonable thing for two teenage girls to do in that situation- we pretended we didn’t know that crazy woman and walked away mustering what dignity we could.

3. It’s a cold November morning and we are all cozy in our warm beds. That is, until Mom flings open our doors singing at the top of her lungs and announcing that it’s time to go for a picnic. We look at her like she’s lost her mind, but by then we are awake anyway so up we get and out we go for the best, and coldest, breakfast picnic I ever had.

4. My wedding was only weeks away and Mom and I were up late making an insane amount of mini muffins to freeze for the reception. At about four in the morning we decided that it was the perfect time to go have breakfast at Perkins. So after the last batch of mini muffins was out of the oven, we hopped into the car and went off for an extremely early breakfast. As we sat in the booth at Perkins I looked at Mom and I realized that we were making a special memory that I would cherish for years to come. And I was right.

An Attempt

This is my first attempt at something resembling Haiku. Don’t worry, I won’t make a habit of this- I’ll leave that to Raquel.


white plastic bag
dancing
with the wind

Painful Living

A couple of weeks ago I had to make a trip to a local pharmacy. My prescription wasn’t quite ready yet so the kids and I sat in the waiting area where the only other occupant was a big, tough-looking man. The man started looking at Malachi with a soft expression on his face and commented on how cute Malachi was (I agreed with him, of course) and then went on to say that his son was about Malachi’s age when he passed away. I was stunned. I asked him how his son had died. The man said that the baby’s mother had propped a bottle in his mouth and he had drowned in his own formula. A call from the front desk announced that the man’s prescription was ready and he got up and left. I had walked into this building just hoping to pick up my medicine and I left laden with grief.

I was driving through the city of Erie doing some errands and I see in a nearby house a small banner hanging in the window with a single star on it. Someone had left this house to fight in a war and had never returned.

I log on to Juno to check my email and I see the headlines telling me the death toll from the latest bombing in some part of the world.

I’ve watched the people I love get sick, decay and die. And I‘ve known the heartache of losing a precious baby.

I remember a woman, many years ago, telling me her thoughts on Heaven. She said that she didn’t understand much about Heaven and so she was content to enjoy living here on earth and not worry about Heaven right now.
I wish I could ask her: What earth do you live on?

Christians, we cannot afford to live in a fairy tale. This world is full of grief, pain, hatred and despair. Accept that fact. Do not hide from it or become hardened to it. Now go to this fallen world and give to them the only thing that can bring hope in this darkness- Jesus.

A Review

While my crazy out-of-town relatives were visiting I got to enjoy the experience of playing Polaris for the first time. I can honestly say that it is the best role-playing game that I have ever played. I don’t claim to be a great RPG connoisseur, but I am a creative person who loves being a part of a good story and that’s exactly what Polaris gave me.

The thing about Polaris is that the system is never a distraction, but rather a marvelous tool to use to create intriguing characters and an intricate story. Instead of there being one all powerful GM, each player has ample opportunity and is, in fact, forced to contribute to the developing plot. Even during character generation all the players have an influence on everyone else’s character sheet.

I’ve never been one to enjoy dragon slaying and cool special effects so my characters have always been the more mellow, innocent-turning-to-evil types so this game was perfect for me in that it is possible to run a full story all the way through without lots of blood and guts and other unseemly things (except demon possession, that is.) On the other hand, Seth, the game geek, was itching for a good brawl or two so when we played together we had explosions and sword fighting in the opening scene. And yet, I still loved it!

I’m not going to get into technical talk about the system, or art work, etc. If you want technical talk about this go to Seth.

All I’ve got left to say about this game is that whether you like the dramatic and romantic stories or if your tastes run more toward exploding lemmings and demon possession- you’ll like this game.

No More Goodbyes

My crazy week is finally coming to a close. I actually have some breathing time and I can make dinner now without tripping over a half a dozen kids. And I'm all bummed out about it. As crazy and chaotic as life has been here this last week I'm disapointed it's over. I suppose it would be easier to let go of all the chaos if I didn't like all those people so much.
I liked having my family mostly together for a brief period of time. I liked being an on-location aunt again (a stressed out on-location aunt, that is) and I loved being with my friends again. Yes, my siblings (that includes siblings-in-law, too) are my friends and frankly, when they leave to go back to their homes I'm lonely.
I think I have one, maybe two people that I'd call a friend that isn't related to me, but really my family is my friends and they live so far away.
Yesterday I was sporadically sobbing for short periods of time throughout the day (pregnant + over-tired= emotional woman) so naturally my thoughts were turned toward Heaven. In Heaven I'll never have to say goodbye to anyone- ever again. No more goodbyes. Can you imagine it?
Even though it was chaotic and at times stressful, having my family here in Erie was a picture of Heaven for me and saying goodbye to them was a picture of death. But death and goodbyes is exactly what Jesus died to save us from.
Someday we won't have to say goodbye anymore. Until then I'll keep enjoying these little tastes of Heaven here on earth.
I love you, my family. Thanks for being my friends.

Countdown to Chaos

Tomorrow the semi-quiet that I am enjoying now will be temporarily lost as our household will expand from four people to an even dozen. It’s not so much the number of people that’s freaking me out, but it’s the fact that we’ll have twelve people here, several of whom are curious toddlers/ babies, while trying to pull together a family reunion (did I mention that will be held at my house, too?) and during the whole of this I will be valiantly trying to not vomit on anyone as my morning sickness continues. Oh , and did I mention that Joshua is in the middle of a big, stress-inducing project at work?
I’m thinking it’s going to work out well, though. Half my houseguests will be pretty useful setting things up for the reunion and the other half is really cute so I really can’t complain.
Maybe I should be exploring my options here. Let’s see, I’ll have several live-in babysitters for a week! Hmm... maybe I could get used to this.

Good News

This last Thursday Joshua and I got to hear the sound that we had most wanted to hear- our baby's heartbeat. This little child right now looks pretty much like a blob, but it is a beautiful blob.
So far things are looking pretty good, but the doctor did notice a small blood clot or bruise thingy so we’ll need to get a follow up sonogram in a few weeks. The nurse I talked to didn’t seem worried about it at all and rather sounded like she thought I was being paranoid for wanting more information about it. I’m trying not to worry about it, but we would still appreciate prayer for this little one’s safety.
I’ve been learning a whole lot about my God during this time of uncertainty about this baby. There are a lot of times when He says no to our requests, but I think that just maybe this is one of those times that He is Saying Yes. I hope it is.

Color Me

Despite the fact that this blog is full of the stuff of pinkness, pink is not my favorite color. Brown is. Now, some may say that brown is a dull, boring color and some shades of brown are. But the color I’m talking about is the rich, deep chocolate brown that makes you think of fall and sitting by a fire with a hot mug of cocoa. I’m sure my favorite color says something profound about me (besides the fact that I like chocolate), but I’m not willing to analyze myself. So instead I’m going to pick on a bunch of you by stating what color I think best describes your personality. Ready? Here goes.

Joshua: You, my dear, are a dark blue. Dark blue has a deep, amazing beauty to it that is not obvious at first, but rather takes a second look to decipher. It also has a comforting and enriching aspect.

Gaby: Even though you are the “Orange Queen,” I have to say purple for you. Purple is a tricky color to define because there are so many different shades and interpretations of it. Some see it as a dainty color while others see it as bold. It’s the combination of these two traits that makes it so beautiful.

Raquel: I think you’re brown. Brown has gotten a bad rap for being boring and predictable, but sometimes some people see it in its true form: a rich beauty that is deep, yet simple and comforting.

Jeremy: You’re yellow. (No, I’m not calling you chicken.) Yellow can be rather alarming at first, but then once my eyes adjust to its brightness it becomes to me a cheering, uplifting color.

Seth: Black. I mean really, did you expect anything else? Black can be mournful, but also peaceful and soothing in it’s simplicity.

Crystal: You also are blue, but not too dark. Blue is safe, but in certain shades it can be very daring and shocking.

Jonathan: Green. Green surprises me a lot. It tries to sound like a boring color, but it really has a vibrancy that is unexpected and very welcome.

Carrie: Light brown. It’s not as deep as dark brown, but is rather more gentle and soft. It blends well with many colors to give them a greater richness and warmth.

James: Red and I’m talking fire engine. Red is pretty much in your face and blunt. That’s not a bad thing. And it also brings energy to whatever it touches.

Theresa: Pink- I don’t mean pastel! Pink is vibrant, bold and extremely fun. Some shades can be a little bizarre, but it mostly brings the sense of femininity with it.

Dad: You’re a tricky one. I think you’re a blue. Somewhere darker than light blue, but not as deep as dark blue. Your blue has a neat quality in that it is somewhat predictable, but with a depth that is unexpected.

Barb: Orange. Orange can be everything from soft and cozy to bright and exuberant. And whatever shade it is it always has a crazy, but lovable edge.

So there you have it. I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I’d love some feedback to see if you all think I got even close with all my artsy psycho babble. If nothing else, maybe you’ll look at colors now in a whole new way.

Cutie Pie and Rice Crispies

Weird and Freaky

Kids Say the Cutest Things... Sometimes

So there we were, sitting in our living room under the ceiling fan on a miserably hot day and I was not handling the heat well. My dear husband tries to cheer me up by saying to Lily, " Go tell Mommy she's pretty."
Lily looked at me and then looked back at Joshua and said with a slightly puzzled look on her face, " Mommy's not pretty- she's cranky."
Ah, the honesty of children.

The Last Tear

This picture is a project that I have wanted to do for some time now. Andrew Peterson’s song, “After the Last Tear Falls” is one of those songs that clings to your heart and refuses to let go. The line in the chorus: "...and we’ll look back on these tears as old tales" is what inspired this photograph. I have this picture, framed and matted, hanging in my living room with that line written on the white matting beneath the photo.

I was thinking about this picture less than a week ago while I was sitting on my couch next to my dad crying because I thought that I was going to lose another baby. Can it really be possible that I will look back on these tears- the tears of a mother mourning for her baby- as old tales? Yes. Even these tears.

“You number my wanderings;
Put my tears in Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?”
Psalm 56:8

Well, It’s Official

I guess I must be officially pregnant now. Just a couple of nights ago I was feeling queasy so I ate a pickle with a bowl of raisin bran. At least it’s better than pickles and ice cream. And it did make me feel better.

Good News!

I’m sure most of you know this by now through various means, but I thought I should post it anyway: There is another Gardner baby on the way! God has answered our prayers. He is so good!
This pregnancy is not going as smoothly as I would have liked, though. My progesterone levels are too low and that can be a sign that a miscarriage is likely. I’ve started taking progesterone supplements to try to help my body along, but there are no guarantees. ( But what pregnancy ever has the guarantee of a healthy baby?) So even though it is entirely possible that God may take this child away from us before he is born, I am still rejoicing in this little one. And I will still say that God is good!
Thank you to all who prayed that God would give us this baby. Now I ask that you would pray that God would let us keep him.

Grace to be Sane

Yesterday was one of those days. The kids and I all had colds so Malachi was snotty and coughing, Lily was cranky, plus Joshua was in Canada for the day on business and wasn’t expected back until late. To top it all off I was trying to pull together dinner for eleven people with a surprise birthday party thrown in for good measure. So there I was, exhausted, sick, and overwhelmed with the crankiness of sick kids. It was when I was trudging upstairs from the basement lugging a basket full of laundry that I desperately prayed, “Lord, please help me. You’ve gotten me through greater trials, now just help me get dinner on the table.”
And you know what? He didn‘t just help me throw some food on the table, He made the whole evening so pleasant. The new recipe I tried for dinner turned out well, the dining room was decorated nicely, and even the margarita glasses looked festive all rimmed with sugar and topped with an orange slice. Everyone enjoyed dinner and we all had a good time with each other.

All this made me realize once again that our God not only cares about the big, high holy things we do, but also the small, seemingly unimportant things of these earthly lives. I also realized that there isn’t one thing that I do that doesn’t totally depend on God’s grace. Whether it be raising children, being a good wife, having a dinner party or simply trying to get the laundry done- all these things are done only because God wills that they are done.

I suppose the next time I’m tempted to take pride in my clean house or a successful social gathering I should remember that if God had left it totally up to me I would have flopped big time. If I believe that my God is really as sovereign as He says He is, well then I guess there’s just no room for my pride.

“A man’s heart plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.”
Proverbs 16:9

DQ and My Little Dog

This evening we went to the local Dairy Queen. The kids enjoyed their sundaes and I enjoyed the fact that they didn’t spill or drop them. On our walk back home we stopped to splash in a puddle which was fun until Malachi decided he was thirsty and that dirty puddle water was just the thing to quench his thirst. So there he was belly down in the parking lot behind our house, lapping up water like it was the most natural thing in the world. Well, I suppose it would be the most natural thing in the world- for a dog.
So this latest incident has further heightened my suspicions that my son is part dog. He likes to chew on shoes and play in the toilet and once when we tickled his belly, he shook his leg like crazy. Weird, huh?
That’s my boy.